The Rules of Boozing: Getting Drunk After College

By Candy

Before I ventured out of the filthy frat basement, the sun burning my retinas, my new flats soaked with Keystone light, perhaps the slight taste of boot in my mouth, maybe lacking a little dignity and my memory for the last six hours, I just sort of assumed that Friday night would forever consist of me blacked out with pong paddle in hand. That is, until I found myself in NYC for an internship.

The free booze had dried up, there wasn’t a basement in sight, and everyone looked older than me. After deciding not to be huge sketchfest by breaking into Columbia in search of other Ivy League drinkers, I figured that the closest thing to a frat was a dive bar during happy-hour. That’s when I learned a few things about drinking outside the basement.

1. Perhaps it’s appropriate to be wasted in an actual bar, but beware of the consequences. I had this insight about when I found myself in the coat closet of some random bar with a lawyer named Hugo- oh he was about thirty, sucking on my nipples. Only after I sobered up, did I realize that perhaps I shouldn’t share this story with anyone else. Oops.

2. Drinking is expensive, those three dollar beers may seem like such a deal, but if you drink six, suddenly you’ve spent your cab fare and then you have to let a lawyer named Hugo feel you up in order to part him from his money in order to get home. This is only hypothetical of course.

3. If you don’t care about disease, I think it’s totally legit to pour someone else’s drink into your own glass when they turn away. Proceed to chug. It’s like a drinking game only deliciously taboo.

4. Finally, happy-hour stinks of desperation instead of the sweet aroma of keystone and the fun and fancy of drinking on campus. It’s a lot of corporate whores who drink away their frustrations with their 100 hour work week. They still get paid six figures, so excuse me for not offering the man in the Armani suit a tissue. He can buy me a drink though because I’m an unpaid intern and oh so adorable. You just have to make sure he doesn’t lure you into the nearest closet for a little co-ed caressing, unless he’s a hottie then proceed with abandon.

Good luck drinking ladies, as for me, I’m heading over to Columbia later on tonight to break into a basement.