Ass-tronaut: The Douchebag Behind the Debacle

By Jess

I’m sure you’ve all heard about her. Lisa Nowak. The Crazy Astronaut. The chick who drove all those miles with a diaper on and maced another woman who was supposedly sleeping with her man. These days, according to People.com, she’s pleading ‘not guilty’ to those attempted kidnapping charges.Honestly, it doesn’t even matter what she pleads. Her life is O.V.E.R. Her husband? Her kids? Good god, I can’t imagine.

But here’s the thing. You know who I think should share at least a tiny bit of blame? The guy who was sleeping with her as well as the woman she tried to kill: Bill Oefelein. Mr. Oefelein. Big Bill. Yeah. Otherwise known (at least to me) as the Ass-tronaut.

This sort of thing always seems to happen—in outer space or in the dining hall of your typical college campus—guy sleeps with one girl, then another in quick succession, and when the girls get jealous, everyone sits back and shakes their heads at “those crazy chicks”.

Now, I’m not condoning Nowak’s actions. I’m sure she’s legitimately messed up in her giant astronaut head, I just can’t help but recognize the scenario. A guy acts shady with the emotions of two girls, and somehow, when the shit hits the fan, he slips through the cracks. Somehow, when the fur starts to fly, he doesn’t really matter. Not one bit. Boys will be boys, seems to be the consensus, those chicks are just flipping out over nothing.

Nothing? Really? They got played. You get played, you get pissed. Or…you put some rope and pipes in your trunk and drive cross country.

Who knows what the conversations were between the Asstronaut and those two women. But tell me this, would any of it happened if he hadn’t been such a manslut?