Drunken Hook-Ups. I Should Have Left My Beer Goggles at Home!!!

Oh, alcohol. How I love thee. You make my nights full of bad dancing, falling off my shoes, and thinking that guy across the room looks like Christian Bale. You make it easier to talk to him, and slur out sweet nothings such as “Let’s get out of here. I’ll pay for the cab.”

By Candy

But, alcohol, you make me wish I never locked lips with the likes of you when I wake up the next day with that distinct morning after taste in my mouth, an exploding head and a not so attractive man (with nothing on except a sock) sleeping next to me. Things like “where am I,” or “what is his name again” run through my foggy head, and I realize that this is not the best way to find Mr. Right.

Drunken hook-ups. We’ve all had ‘em. Most of them, we want to forget. It’s totally hot in the moment and then … you wake up the next morning with makeup all over your face only to realize that there is no way you were the porn star you thought you were. And a relationship afterwards? Forgeddaboutit.

My favorite personal story of my own drunken hook-up took place during my freshman year of school. I woke up, I opened my eyes and I had absolutely no idea where the fuck I was. I lifted up the sheet, and oh my God—I was naked. At this moment I swore off alcohol forever (didn’t work). I just knew I was probably lying next to a forty year old divorcee with a massive beer belly and long toenails. I took a few deep breaths, counted very slowly to ten, and rolled over.

I was lucky—I actually knew the guy. He was a nice boy who I had been friends with for some time now, and though he was great, he wasn’t that great. Now, I was lying naked next to him, and all I can say for the aftermath—me sneaking out before waking him up, avoiding his phone calls for days until he finally hunted me down, trying to hide behind light posts on the street to avoid him in public—well, the two of us are not friends anymore. Surprise.

I’ve also, on a very drunken night, managed to score a guy who I had wanted to date. I got him drunk (it was a last resort—I seriously wanted him), asked him to walk me home (code for take me home and sleep with me), and the rest was history. In my drunken stupor I thought our night together was the most romantic evening two people could share. The groping, the sloppy kisses, the drunken… thrusting. So. Hot.

Not so much. I woke up excited that this would move us forward in our relationship. He woke up, grabbed his clothes, gave me an awkward kiss on the cheek and checked out. I didn’t hear from him… until the next time he got drunk and wanted to come over. And the next time. And the next time. I had, in a quick 5 hour drunken encounter, become his official booty call. And yeah, like most girls, I thought my life was over. Apparently if you give it up too quickly, guys think you’re a slut and won’t bring you home to mom (more with that double standard bullshit, huh).

But girls—have no fear—this last tale of the drunken hook-up will make you not only believe that maybe it’s not a terrible idea, but that true love does actually exist.

My best friend got sloppy drunk one night in our local bar, and began to hit on an English guy who was there on tour with his rugby team. Next thing you know, the two of them are stumbling out the door together and falling into a cab. They have a crazy night of cavorting, her dad throws the door open in the morning and threatens to take out his shot gun if he doesn’t get his clothes on and get out (I kid you not, this happened). And… two weeks later this lovely guy had bought a ticket back to the States to visit with my friend again.

Now, three and a half years later, he has a job over here, they live together, and are shopping for engagement rings. She may be the only person this has ever happened to. Or perhaps she has beer flavored nipples that keep him coming back—I don’t know.

Of course, I’m not highly recommend drunken hook-ups. Most of the time they cause more grief than they’re worth. Other times, a girl just needs to have a good night. And perhaps, one night, we’ll all meet a hot English athlete who’s willing to leave his entire life behind to come be with us. In the meantime ladies, take the beer goggles off and double check that you will not be waking up next to a Yeti the next day.