Finger Me This

I want to preface this article by saying I’m sure there are tons of guys out there who know what they’re doing in the bedroom, especially when it comes to using their hands and fingers. I’m sure you’re out there boys and I salute you.

By Jess

But I have not met you.

There is an epidemic that has got this planet in a chokehold. An epidemic so severe I think Al Gore should take it on as his next big project. He’d sell a lot of tickets to the documentary, and it’d make him real popular with the ladies—not to mention the secret hero of all the dudes.

What is this epidemic, you ask?

Why, it’s the Un-education of the Finger.

We are teaching the men of this world to respect women, give them power, give them love, but what we’re leaving out is the very vital lesson of…female clitoral stimulation.

In all my travels, I have not come across one lad who had any real knowledge of what his initial ‘handiwork’ felt like. I’m sure, if they had known, they would have never let such an atrocity continue. Once one-on-one sex education classes were held, everything turned out fine. But in the beginning? …mechanically horrifying.

I’m not sure why there are so many misinformed guys walking this planet. We’ve got to stop it, girls. We may not be able to change the course of nature, but if we all ban together and commit to this, we can make this world a better place for vajayjays everywhere.

To start the revolution, those of you currently involved in some kind of intimate entanglement must, and I repeat, MUST make sure your man (I would include ‘woman’ here too, for equal opportunity’s sake, but let’s be real. Would a lesbian really have this problem?) has properly mastered all things concerning his fingers and your nicey nicey. Even if you don’t know the guy well and don’t foresee something that lasts forever, TEACH HIM. It won’t take long, and you’ll be helping out someone else down the line.

The second step in operation Re-Educate the Finger?

Send every man you know here.