10 Reasons Why Grindhouse DID NOT Melt My FACE!

Last week I raved about Grindhouse in anticipation of what was supposed to be the step-mother of all movies. After throwing away 10 bucks and three hours of my life, my song sounds a bit different.

.1. Know everything about film? Your knowledge was wasted. Know nothing about film? Death Proof’s self-indulgence was irritating.

2. Dearth of MACHINE GUN LEG.

3. Gratuitous violence is especially lame when it’s not gratuitous at all.

4. You can lose with a film that is genre-classified as Action / Crime / Horror / Sci-Fi / Thriller / Comedy, but is actually only half-Action, quarter-Comedy.

5. Fake trailer “Werewolf Women of the S.S.” directed by Rob Zombie was actually the weakest of all the faux previews.

Did Grindhouse live up to the hype?

6. Did I mention… the dearth of MACHINE GUN LEG?

7. Rose McGowan was hot indeed, however Rosario had a bad haircut. And Naveen – poor Naveen – sported a headband in lieu of any facial hair. I realized just how glad I am that those Losties don’t shave.

8. Fergie did play a lesbian, but it was literally all talk, no action.

9. Killer death cars only enjoyed about 10% of screen time.

10. Planet Terror plot was, indeed, awesome. However, Death Proof plot = four chicks spouting empty Tarantino-masturbatory dialogue and only, like, 10 minutes of death-proofmobile.