College Candy

In case you’re still interested in the giant haired oddity that is Sanjaya Malakar, an article released by People Magazine today has the strangely vacant-eyed singer explaining that he’s not gay, he just “understands woman” better than most men.

Uh. Okay. If by understand woman you mean emulate their hair styles and songs, than sure. I’m with ya, Sanjy. Your face certainly looks womanly. You’ve got some of the best un-collagened lips I’ve seen on a celebrity in quite some time, and that voice is definitely reminiscent of a female warble. I mean, Justin Timberlake has a high voice, but you take the squeaky cake.

“I got teased in school because people figured I must be gay because I understand women” Sanjy is quoted as saying in the article, “I think that’s why guys didn’t like me – because I got along with girls so well. When I went up to girls they would give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek like I was their gay friend. But I was the straight guy that understood them.”

Love ya, but I must question your logic here, Sanjy. In all my years on this planet, I have never met a straight guy who understood me as well as a gay guy. Straight guys aren’t programmed to understand women. Even straight guys who’ve grown up in female heavy households. Just because a dude lives with sisters and a mom doesn’t mean he suddenly understands all there is about being feminine. Sure, he probably gets exposed to things like periods and crying and overflowing closets a littler earlier than other guys, but it’s not like he grows support boobs or gets empathy cramps. I’m sure you’re a very sensitive guy, Sanjy, but if girls are treating you like a gay friend…you might want to reevaluate.

Sweetheart, I know you’re young. And I know there are a lot of people telling you what to do right now to maintain that sliver of fame, but don’t be afraid to be who you are! Don’t do the Clay Aiken, honey. Don’t pretend you’re not what everyone (except mildly dense 12-year-old girls) can clearly see you are. Being gay is nothing to be ashamed of.

Then again, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you truly are the one straight guy in America who really understands women. Maybe you were completely unaware of the fact that you were singing a Bonnie Raitt song, a song that is extremely feminine in every which way, the night you got kicked off Idol. Maybe you’re just a sweet and unassuming teenager whose innocence is often confused with flamboyance.

I mean, maybe.

Just don’t expect me to be surprised when you come out with your own body glitter and make-up line.