Dirty Dancing sucks! (and other popular movies I hate)

Dirty Dancing

By Jess

It’s true. I hate it.

I’ve hated that stupid film since the first time I saw it on a TV, stuck in my weird babysitter’s mother’s house for a reason I can’t remember now, sitting in a living room that smelled like old couch and cigarettes, desperately trying to find something to whittle away the time. At first, I thought I had hit the jackpot. It looked totally indecent, something my mom would have never let me watch, and there was a cool soundtrack (I was 10 years old…what did I know about music?). Thirty minutes into the thing, however, my young brain knew I was watching something absolutely sucktastic. Even then, I could tell the dialogue was phony and forced. Even then, I could tell Jennifer Grey would never make another movie because she was totally annoying. And even then, even as a child, I knew Patrick Swayze was weird looking.

As I’ve grown older, my hatred for this movie has only increased, and every time another cool person declares their love for it, I feel a tiny pang of anger in the pit of my stomach and force them to list the reasons why. Strangely enough, most people can’t define why they like it so much. I think it has something to do with that lake scene; wet nipples, romantic music, ‘try try again’ mentality…a little something for everyone. Other than that, I have no idea why this movie ever made it anywhere.

The Matrix

Please. I fell asleep after the first ten minutes and woke up just in time to see people wearing sunglasses and barking half-worn Bible verses at each other. Snorefest. My brother and his friends tell me I’m just too stupid to understand it. Maybe. Or maybe they’re the stupid ones for unwittingly sitting through high octane Sunday School.

Any Monty Python Film

I have sat in a roomful of people watching one of these and been the only one not laughing. I just don’t get it. I couldn’t find it funny if I tried. Maybe if I played Risk and had an online boyfriend, I’d find it more hilarious.

Alright, that’s not fair. I know plenty of people who aren’t nerds who laugh their asses off. But still. Majority? Geeks.

E.T: The Extra Terrestrial

The only reason I don’t like this movie is that it made me sleep with my light on for three weeks as a child. Hello. That bit where E.T is all white and dying is probably the scariest thing a sensitive kid can see. Not only did I have insomnia for a month, but had to endure a hospital stay where well-wishers continually brought tiny plush E.T dolls as gifts. As if the O.R isn’t scary enough, I had to spend the nights with five bug-eyed aliens.

The Exorcist

This movie made me sleep with my lights on as a twenty something.

The Notebook

The extreme-and I mean extreme-hotness of Ryan Gosling wasn’t enough to make this movie watchable to me. It’s the most ludicrous and sappy premise on the planet and even the brilliant Rachel McAdams wasn’t able to make that shitty dialogue sound real. I hated every cheezeball minute and didn’t cry one tear. Nicholas Sparks can kiss my ass.

It’s A Wonderful life

I know. I’m horrible. You want to kill me. I have such bad taste.

But this movie is boring. I turn it off every Christmas, and I don’t feel guilty.