ReCap: The Bachelor

Yes, love is worth putting your life on hold for. But is the bachelor worth putting off studying for my nutrition exam?

Well, YEAH! I can really empathize with the bachelorettes this season because I dated a guy last fall who dated another girl at the same time as me, and it totally sucked, and he never even gave me $2 million worth of diamonds that he borrowed from ABC, not even to wear around the house.

I’m a little sick of all the man – in – uniform – as – a – white – knight – who – will – rescue – you metaphors, but this season is going swimmingly (literally: why are these people always doing water sports? Are water sports a precursor to true love? If so, I need to learn to swim).

Anyway, back to the show. Gimpy Bevin surprised me with her gusto tonight: she sure didn’t let her little injury get in the way of love. She knows how to play this game, which makes sense because she is a divorcee. O! Horror of all horrors!

You can make out with a guy against a boat on T.V., but not disclosing your divorce to him is sacrilege if I’ve ever heard it. And the kicker is that Bevin worries that she won’t have time to share that she is divorced. Well, Andy, I won’t have time to share with you that I am hermaphrodite with fifteen toes and a blazing case of chlamydia! Joke’s on you when you meet my cretin parents, you wiry raccoon, you.

Mainly I wish that these old hags would just stop crying about being old hags. Although the crying makes them seem younger… Perhaps it’s a game tactic because Andy loves the little ones. As proven in last night’s episode, he also loves when his woman acts like a child. When dear Bevin got down on her hands and knees in that sandbox, Andy got a little too excited. We all know she’s gonna win.

Closing thoughts:

-If he chooses Tessa, I’ll be so mad.

-Sexiest line of the night: Andy: “Wow! Look at the koi pond!”

-And can we talk about Kansas Stephanie’s sartorial choices for a sec? The glittery Grecian gown and Midwestern prom hair were one thing, but I think the polka-dot turtleneck under the periwinkle blazer was her kiss of death. Other bachelorettes, beware.