College Candy

When Lindsay Lohan said rehab, what she really meant was a few weeks to rest up so I can party even harder.

According to everyone’s favorite gossip whore, Lindsay Lohan was recently caught—on tape—celebrating St. Coke’s Day in a bathroom stall at Teddy’s nightclub in Hollywood’s Roosevelt Hotel.

The person who taped Lohan doing things such as shoving a finger up a friend’s nose to help her snort a few bumps is an alleged “friend” who is worried Lohan’s ways are going to buy her a one way ticket to that movie theater in the sky. The “friend” leaked the video to the press “So the world can know what Lindsay has been doing and she can’t lie about it to herself or anyone else.”

In addition to sometimes snorting “20 big lines” of cocaine by herself, Lindsay is an apparent sex manic, claiming to whoever will listen that she’s slept with “James Blunt, Jude Law, Calum Best, Joaquin Phoenix, Benicio Del Toro, Jared Leto and James Franco”, as well as messing around with Leonardo DiCaprio.

—How that girl was able stomach James Blunt naked I’ll never know. Guess snorting and drinking yourself into oblivion is the only way—

Who knows if this rumor is true. But if it is, let me be the first to say that I’m officially turning in my Lindsay Lohan fan card. I know, I can’t believe I’ve liked her this long either, but there’s no way I’m supporting a lush who blows her cash on drugs and spends more time sleeping with dudes than she does choosing good scripts. From now on, no one is allowed to call her “brilliant” anymore. If she’s really stupid enough to blow her looks and fame and “talent” (which is still up for discussion) on drugs and trysts with James “pasty” Blunt, than she’s about as far from “brilliant” as a person can get.