Poor Britney…

I got to thinking about Britney Spears, ironically, because of Stalin. I was sitting in my dorm in New Hampshire, newly painted toenails kicked up on my cluttered desk, leaning dangerously back in my chair, thinking about scapegoats and reading “Darkness at Noon”.

I don’t know if you’ve read this book, but it’s a little…dark…to say the least. But to make a long story short, this Russian guy is being interrogated deep in the bowels of Siberia somewhere, confessing to a bunch of crazy crimes. The big bad policeman, Ivanov or something equally Eastern European is telling the poor guy that history always needs scapegoats.

So what’s this have to do with Ms. Britney Crazy Pants-No Hair-Married a Doucebag Spears? Everything. Do you remember the good old days when we were all wearing cropped shirts (ew…were those good old days?) and singing along to “Hit Me Baby One More Time” back in 1998?

Oh it was THAT long ago, we’re getting old folks. I mean, some of us are fast becoming…alums. Luckily this girl has one more year of drinking, debauchery, and hooking up with inappropriate yet intelligent men before I have to go out in the real world.

Back in the early 2000s, we couldn’t get enough of this pop-princess. What happened? I don’t think Madonna would kiss her now. Instead of disgustingly cute photos of Spears and Timberlake wearing matching denim outfits (oh you thought you could block that image out your mind forever…), the tabloids are filled with pictures of fat Britney, Britney wearing ratty denim skirts, Britney and her bad parenting, Britney shaving her hair off, Britney trying to win us back but failing miserably. And we revel in it!

I know I’ve said to myself more than a few times, “I’m going to be up all night writing this term paper, but at least I’m not Britney Spears.” Whereas the celebrities we most try to emulate, like the perfectly skinny models, actresses, and other larger than life, more beautiful than life stars (who tend to make us feel bad about ourselves and forgo that slice of chocolate cake), Britney has fallen from such great heights to our level. She’s just like us and we mock her mercilessly for it.

“She’s so fat,” the headline jabs. Depending on where you hail from, obesity rates in America range from 15% in New Hampshire to 34% in Arkansas. Don’t even get me started on all those the fat people in Texas…

“She’s such a bad parent,” we think as we see photos of Brit driving with a baby on her lap. I’m not saying it’s kosher not to use a car seat, but most normal people screw up once and while, from turning their children into porkers by feeding them McDonalds (between 25-30% of children are obese), making them stupid by letting them fester in front of the television, or smoking with them in the car.

The hair thing is a little inexcusable, but I remember when I was a sophomore in high school I dyed my dark brown hair this golden caramel color because I thought I would look just like Beyonce. Oh no. It looked SO bad and when it started growing out I had these insane roots…I looked like a black Madonna or something. Man, that was a travesty!

So I guess I’m saying that I’ve stopped getting joy out of seeing Britney floundering because I realize that she’s our own little scapegoat, her every flaw analyzed and laughed at on various VH1 shows and displayed on the covers of glossy magazines.

She shouldn’t be a celebrity anymore, that’s for sure. She’s too much like us for anyone to care about anything other than what’s wrong with her…but I think we should cut her a little slack.