Unlocking the Male Mind: Lingerie

This weekend, my boyfriend took me to a New Jersey mall…and I didn’t automatically break-up with him. Surprising I know. I was commissioned to help him pick out some shirts, of course I said yes. If anyone strokes my fashion ego, I’m like buttah.

I even overlooked the horrifying comment that, “We should pretend to shop for wedding rings.” That was a tough one. I stood there all agape like he was wielding an ax or something. Yuck. Sorry about the tangent, I had to get that off my chest. It has been freaking me out all day. If you have any advice about this one, please feel free to comment.

However, we can talk about Mary’s adventures in sheer terror later, right now I want to share what I learned about boys and lingerie at the mall….in New Jersey. I pulled the boy into Victoria’s Secret for two reasons, the first being to distract him from the fact that by this point I was sweating heavily, secondly I had a yen for some “Sexy, Little Things.” While I had him in the store, I took the opportunity to ask him about kind of lingerie got him all hot and bothered.

“Uh, I like everything you wear Mary.” I rolled my eyes.

“So you’re saying that guys don’t care about what kind of underwear you wear, it’s more about taking it off?” I prodded, while admiring a ridiculously expensive camisole designed by Anna Sui. I took all my willpower not to beggar myself by purchasing it.

“No, no.” he said, “I really liked the pink panties you were wearing the other day. The way they made your butt look…” Apparently he was starting to sweat too.

So it took me about twenty minutes of asking and parading around slips of brightly colored satin, barely there g-strings, and garter belts galore before I was able to come up with these two truisms about the male mind when it comes to underwear.

1.“I like it when the tops and bottoms match.” Words of wisdom if I’ve ever heard them…at least that makes our job a whole lot simpler. I’m not a fan of g-strings, crotchless panties, pleather, or anything else I assumed guys thought was sexy. However, I can match with the best of them. For all his “deep thinking”, especially in such a stimulating environment, I brought a matching aqua blue bra and little lacy panties. Funny how he seemed in such a hurry to go after we checked out…

2.He really wanted to be with a woman who owns one of those over-the-top black lace sets, complete with a garter-belt and thigh-high stockings. I think that goes for most guys too.

So there you have it ladies, guys like it when you match. How easy is that? It’s almost too easy….Plus, now you know what to get your boyfriend for his birthday—you in a garter-belt. Happy stripping.