The Bachelor Finale: Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner

I’m mad. ABC promised that the season finale of The Bachelor was going to be the most exciting EVER. And they lied.

By CC Staff

Sorry, Bachelor. I hate to complain, but talk about a two – hour snoozefest. It’s not that it was clear the entire time who was going to “win,” it’s just that both girls were so earnest and so… boring. I am convinced Tessa and Bevin were actually the same person making use of some very realistic wigs. The only entertaining part of the episode was watching Andy read aloud the girls’ notes to him — sound it out, honey. Sound it out. Oh, and when Tessa made him a picture collage. Hey, that’s the same thing I made for my boyfriend in fourth grade! How funny. Great minds think alike.

Needless to say, I really liked Andy’s family from the get – go during his visit home. I just trust people who own crocheted blankets and stuffed mallards. I also trust Andy’s hot mom! God, Andy! What a womb you emerged from! Lucky guy. Grandpa wasn’t so bad either.

While Precious – Moments – Tessa floored the Rockwellian Baldwins, poor Bah’ai Bevin floundered in the face of Grandpa Larry’s Reagan – esque interrogation. Didn’t they realize that she’s cool? Cool is her religion. I think Andy’s family was just afraid of having grandchildren named Moonchild and Nutmeg if he chose Bev.

But really, they never had anything to worry about! Judging from history, Andy’s Protestant ethics would no doubt have overtaken Bevin’s liberal electricity in the end. But, it turned out Grandpa Larry got his way after all. He always wins! I have to hand it to Andy — a man that doesn’t respect his grandfather’s traditional credos is weak and of questionable character. And we all know how good Andy is with decisions. Not easily swayed, that one.

All I know is I gotta get one of those emotion shirts, so I can wear my heart on my sleeve and one day become Mrs. Lieutenant [insert name here] just like Bevin. I mean Tessa. Wait, which one is which again?

With that, I bid you goodbye, Bachelor. You waxed, you waned, you oscillated, you vacillated, all without much fanfare or flourish. So, let’s all pool our efforts and dedicate ourselves to a better season 8, with more drama and less sincerity and true love. Here’s an idea: The Bachelorette!