The Public Bathroom Nightmare: Ways to Deal

Last night, while out at a tiny bar that had paper dragons on the ceiling but still managed to charge me 6 bucks for a half a shot of vodka and cranberry juice, I decided to brave the winding line for the bathrooms. (You should know I have a weird phobia about public bathrooms—or rather, a phobia about the locks in public bathrooms. I never trust the things. No matter where I am, I’m always convinced someone’s going to open the door on me. Convinced.)

By Jess

Anyway, after finally squeezing myself into the tiny stall and finding the hidden light switch, I realized I was standing in one of the grossest places I had ever willingly ventured into. Unidentified water everywhere, overflowing trashcan, a toilet with half the seat broken off (I mean, how does that happen?), and a tampon box that defied imagination. This place was revolting with a capital Revulsion.

So now here comes the question women have to deal with all the time; how does one actually pee in a place that’s sure to infect you with every disease God has ever created?

Option 1: The Squat. This is basically a move that keeps your skin from actually coming into contact with anything disgusting. A lot of times this move is difficult in tight jeans and small spaces, but it can be done. Just make sure that cute underwear you just bought is held safely out of pee range.

Option 2: The Half-Cheek. If you’re in a super hurry and don’t really care about the thousands of other people who have used the place before you, you can sit on the seat so just enough of one cheek is touching it. This move gives you optimum balance with minimal skin on porcelain contact.

Option 3: Papering. So the line isn’t that long, or you just don’t care about all those people waiting to get in, and really don’t want any part of you touching the bowl. This is the move your mom told you about; three sheets to cover the front and side of the toilet. Papering allows you to sit securely and feel confident those motley germs won’t find you.

Option 4: The Side Saddle. The place is really skeezy, but due to those three gin and tonics you just consumed, your balance is a little off. What do you do? Turn your body sideways, employ The Squat, and grab onto the toilet paper holder or paper towel dispenser. You can wash your hands with soap…but washing your ass is a little harder.

And always remember, the doors and faucet handles of your favorite dive bar are just as disgusting as the toilet. Find ways to do what you have to do with minimal touching. Not to be your mom or anything, but do you have any idea what’s gone on in that place before you??

…Got any other advice on braving bar bathrooms? Let us hear it.