College Candy

Forget birth control, forget condoms. I have found IT. And by IT I mean the foolproof way to stop teenage/unwanted pregnancies, stop the spread of std’s, hell–it might even stop you from wanting to have sex (I said might). Okay, all of the above may put Maury Povich out of a job- but I’m pretty sure my idea is like, uh, genius. How come no one has ever thought of this before? Sure all those conservative-good-Christian-political people preach teaching abstinence only education as a way to stop std’s and pregnancies out of wedlock (which is clearly not working in this country) and those a bit more liberal preach the importance of teaching safe sex practices and forms of birth control. I am not discounting that. BUT I do think my idea is a fantabulous new way to put a halt to this “who’s my baby-daddy” nonsense going on in our society right now.

Where did this brilliant idea come from? Wellllll, moving back home for the summer has made my Friday and Saturday nights … different (to say the least). I have traded in shots and bar crawls for yoga class and early bird movies. Partayyy, I know. The past two nights, I have seen Knocked Up and Waitress, both which have given me the inspiration for a new found form of birth-control.

It happened in an instant- a theater chock full of horny teen and twenty-somethings on dates or in groups screamed and squirmed at the sight and very real experience of birth. Nothing says romance like seeing a close up of a baby’s headed crowning in Katherine Heigl’s (or body double-which gets me thinking… how do they even cast for that?) vajayjay or Keri Russell’s full frontal face close-up screaming bloody murder.

Within seconds guys dropped their girl’s hands and placed them back in their buckets of popcorn and just like that it was goodbye late night hookup plan and hellllo Playboy and lotion. My gal pal and I were scarred for life- no kids and no getting into any situation that might lead to that whole baby-crowning, screaming my head of kind of thing (I am shuddering as I am typing this because I haven’t been able to get the image out of my head for the past 48 hours)

Not to mention this new proposed birth control of mine is not only cheaper (around 9 bucks or less if you have a valid student ID) it also screams ‘no weight gain or mood swings here-thank you very much’.

So trust me, force yourself to see Knocked Up (it is actually hysterical minus the whole birthing thing) or watch any real-live birth delivery. That oughta help next time you are thinking of getting it on without making sure he has one on.

And if not… that’s what the paternity tests on Mr. Mo Po’s show are there for.