Ask a Guy… Installment #2
Yes, it’s time yet again for another installment of “Ask a Guy…”, the place where a girl can ask a guy… anything she wants. Really, anything at all… just try me.
(all you have to do is leave a question in the comment section at the end of the blog… you don’t even have to use your real name. It’s that easy.)
So, without further ado:
Jennifer would like to know, “whats with guys immediately losing interest when a girl gives it up on the first night? I get the whole ‘make him wait for it’ thing, but will a guy really not consider you for a girlfriend if you give it up right away?”
This question touches on a phenomenon that has boggled my mind as much as it boggles the minds of a lot of girls, because I’m as guilty of this as anyone. There have been far too many times in the last year where I’ve dated girls up to and until the point that we’ve had sex (which almost never has taken more than three dates), and then I immediately raise anchor, get the hell out of dodge, and disappear at sea, never to be heard from again. But I think I’m starting to figure this out.
The answer to this question really stems from how well you know the guy that you’re getting it on with so quickly. If you and the guy have known each other for a while and are friends, this scenario probably isn’t likely to play out. The guy obviously likes you, or else he wouldn’t have been interested in even being friends. Therefore, he probably already knows about your propensity to give it up early on, but wouldn’t be deterred by this, because if its taken a while for you two to finally hook up, you probably both really do like each other.
On the other hand, if you’re giving it up to a guy you just met, then you quite simply haven’t given the guy enough time to decide that he likes you. Yet despite that, he now knows exactly what it’s like to have sex with you. And while you very well may be the best thing to happen to sex since the blow job was discovered (or was it invented? Eh, that’s really neither here nor there), your basic guy is going to think, “yeah, that was f*&king unbelievable, but I wonder how many other guys are getting this ‘first night treatment?’” I mean, it’s one or two dates. And just as one or two dates generally isn’t enough for us to gauge how much we like you, are we really to believe that it’s only taken you one or two dates to decide that we deserve the chance to sleep with you? Nope. We’re far more likely to assume that this is your modus operandi, that you sleep with anyone and everyone that takes you on a good date, and that you don’t really like us any more than you do any of these other guys.
(I know this is all predicated on the fact that we’re sleeping with you (or at least trying to) no matter what, thereby putting the entire onus on the girl. But what do you want from us? We’re guys. Regardless of whether or not we like you, do you really think we’re going to turn you down if you offer yourselves up to us? Obviously not…)
Still, if you happen to be one of these girls, fear not. Generally speaking, a guy that you’ve slept with right away isn’t going to necessarily lose interest. He’s just not going to make as much of an effort going forward, because he assumes that you’ve probably got plenty of other suitors lined up. If you’re worried that you’re losing a guy’s interest because you gave him access to the goods too quickly, you can alleviate the problem by becoming the pursuer. If you show a guy that he’s not just another schlub that you dated and slept with just to get your rocks off, he probably won’t be so quick to move on right after sleeping with you.
In other musings, Jayme asks, “You know how when you are in kindergarten, guys will pull your hair if they like you? Are their any other “secrets” or signals that guys send when they like you or does that stop in 7th grade after we’ve all decided we are too cool for Bar Mitzvahs and start planning our Sweet 16s?”
Well, notwithstanding the facts that I’ve never been to a Sweet 16 much less planned one, nor have I ever felt too cool for Bar Mitzvah’s (believe you me, I ROCK the Electric Slide), I do still know of a couple of tell-tale signs and signals that guys send to let you know they’re interested. First and foremost, despite the fact that we aren’t pulling pigtails anymore (I hope), many guys still use non-sexual body contact as a way to show their interest. You know, a squeeze of the shoulder or upper arm, or the not-so-casual hand on your back when we’re talking to you in a crowded place. But we aren’t going to make it obvious, so you girls have to be somewhat discerning. For instance, a guy punches you in the face? Probably time to move on (but not without some bull-busting retribution first, literally). But a playful shove or random tickle-torture? Definite signs of major flirtation.
Stemming from this, and I know that this one has the potential to rile up a lot of girls, but if a guy enjoys squeezing the, ahem, meatier parts of your body, that’s a dead giveaway. I’m well aware that rail-thin is “in” in our society, so that right there should be evidence enough that when a guy playfully squeezes your stomach fat, it’s another way of him saying, “I love your body exactly as is, despite the way you may feel about yourself.” Think about it: if a guy is totally repulsed by the cellulite on your thighs, he’s not gonna make a point to squeeze them. So while you may hate this, or think he’s pointing out your flaws, rest assured that this is a very backwards way of us telling you that we dig how you look.
The other thing girls should keep an eye on is a guy’s eyes, no pun intended. If a guy is intent on holding your gaze, it means that he’s listening to you, and is probably either interested in you, or is one hell of an actor/player (not a whole lot you can do in this latter situation… sorry). If the eyes are roaming all over your body, or are focused intently on your glorious breasts, then it’s fairly likely that the guy is still interested in you, but probably only for the night. If the eyes aren’t on you, or your boobs, but are focused elsewhere? Then you should probably just cut your losses right there.
What I find funny (or disheartening, depending on the case) is that while a lot of girls are so intent on locating the signals in hope that they catch the right ones, these same girls are often turned off when a guy gives off his strongest possible signal – flat out telling a girl he’s interested. Giving signals and signs is one of the ultimate forms of game-playing, which most girls claim they hate. But maybe deep down you girls really DO enjoy the game of trying to figure out whether or not a guy likes you. Or, maybe you just really dislike for a guy to put it all out there so quickly, a reality that I’ve been hit with time and again and yet still am unable to get it through my thick skull. Moving on!
Finally, Lauren wonders, “why would a guy ask for a girl’s phone number if he knows he won’t call?”
Because that’s what we’re supposed to do. Seriously. Do any of you girls know how unbelievably difficult and nerve-racking it is to call a random guy that you’ve met in a bar? Probably not. So let me clue you in… it’s hard. It’s damn hard. It’s uncomfortable and awkward and worrisome. Far too often a guy will snag a girl’s number only to later call it and be ignored. Or worse, discover that they’ve been given fake digits. Moreover, as we get older, most guys (and girls, for that matter) come to understand that we probably aren’t meeting our next significant other in a bar. Not to say it never happens, but it’s rare. All that adds up to major skepticism when we get a phone number.
If you meet a guy and really want him to call you, there are ways to combat our apprehension. For one, you should take his number when he asks for yours. If you express a desire to take his number, even if you never have any intention of dialing it, it lessens the likelihood in our eyes that you are giving out a fake or just being nice. You can also take a more proactive approach in getting us to take your number. Instead of waiting around for a guy to inevitably and awkwardly ask, “so, uh, can I, like, call you sometime, maybe, perhaps,” you could force the issue with a line like, “you should take my number.” Or even better, “we should hang out soon. Do you want my number?” As I’ve said before, when a guy knows for sure that a girl is interested, he’ll be more apt to reply in kind. Of course, no matter how you choose to play it, you should never, under any circumstances, say, “take me out this week, I typically give it up on the first date!”
Don’t forget, you can leave any questions you’d like in the comments section, or you can just wait for my friends and I to come up with some of our own (but really, where’s the fun in that!). In any event, I hope you’ve learned a thing or two!
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sara says:
Wed, 27th Jun 20072:03 pm
does deep throating really feel that good for a guy or is it just the idea of it that gets him excited?
camille says:
Thu, 28th Jun 20075:19 am
i really like this guy, and i KNOW he likes me– we talked one-on-one for hours at a party last weekend. but then i had to leave and i was too shy to get his number; i didn't say goodbye. i told my friend to get his number for me, which she did, but now he's totally into her instead of me! have i lost my chance with him? is he confused, or is he a jerk?
laine says:
Thu, 28th Jun 20077:17 am
At what point does "playing hard to get" get annoying?
Jen - NYU says:
Thu, 28th Jun 20077:25 am
Is there such a thing as a completely platonic relationship (from the guy's side of it)? My best guy friend (at school) and I spend a LOT of time together. We're talking like 3-4 days a week. He's a transfer so he doesn't have a lot of other friends; but really wants a girlfriend (he expresses this to me daily). I crushed on him for a while, but I realized that I would much rather have him as a friend. But I can't help but be curious as almost everyone tells me that there's no way guys and gals can be friends. Is it possible that he feel nothing for me at all?
Darcy says:
Fri, 29th Jun 20073:57 am
Is there a way to be nice to the guy who is pursuing me actively without giving him the wrong idea about his chance with dating me?
(also, is the cute picture featured with this article of you?)
Patricia says:
Mon, 16th Jul 20078:50 am
Why do some men watch so much porn, and can it become addictive?
Leigh says:
Tue, 31st Jul 200711:04 am
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now and everything is wonderful except that fact that he rarely ever compliments me. Everyone else always mentions how "good" I look or how "pretty" I am. I not trying to be a snot here but I was just wondering….Why? Is there some underlying reason why he just does not want to say nice things to make me feel good about myself? Or am I just being paranoid about the who thing?
Jack McGuire says:
Mon, 20th Aug 20079:34 pm
sara says :
June 27, 2007 at 7:03 pm
does deep throating really feel that good for a guy or is it just the idea of it that gets him excited?
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You mean deep throating as opposed to other types of oral sex? Well, on the one hand, YES it feels wonderful… sometimes. NO, it is not just the idea of it (except that the affection and attention of someone wanting to please the man IS very pleasing and exciting). HOWEVER, on the OTHER HAND, it is certainly NOT necessary to deep throat literally in order to be incredibly pleasing to a man. It is often the activity/action of kissing and licking that matters more. The feeling of tenderness and feminine softness is incredibly delicious, even if a woman is kissing all around, outside. Sometimes, the activity all around with a tongue and lips can feel much better than just deep throating. Frankly, taking one of a man's balls in your mouth can feel even better than deep throating.
Licking a man's lollipop can feel better than almost anything else in the universe. However, like EVERYTHING for both males and females, it depends on what a guy is feeling at the moment. First, guys have to be warmed up just the same as women. If a guy isn't ready, he might not feel much. I have had a blow job when I felt almost nothing at all. And that is NOT the girl's fault, I just wasn't there yet. So, ANY type of oral sex might not produce any good feeling if the guy is not aroused. In fact, a guy might be feeling NOTHING.
Also, most women seem to have gotten the idea somewhere that oral sex has to be an incredible chore, requiring great speed and energy, like a jack hammer. Except at the very end, PERHAPS, women should SLOW DOWN. At least this guy would rather have the sweetness and softness and affection for a LONG time, than to have the woman worn out in a few minutes, and not wanting to do it again because it was exhausting. If you are willing to spend some time, you can bring him to climax without ever going into fast mode. But that's up to you.
Jack McGuire says:
Mon, 20th Aug 20079:41 pm
laine says :
June 28, 2007 at 12:17 pm
At what point does “playing hard to get” get annoying?
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In the first 1/10th of a second. There is absolutely NO value to playing hard to get. This is the stupidest idea in all of romance. Men and women are in a search for a match where both like each other. Any sign that you are not interested in him is going to send him on down the road looking for someone else. Who wants to go out with someone who doesn't like you??? What self-respecting man is going to waste his time on someone who doesn't like him? Losers might. But any decent man is going to leave and go looking for a woman who really likes him.
You don't have to give up your control of your own life, or appear more eager than is TRUE, in reality. If you aren't sure, then be real about your feelings. But FAKING disinterest when you really are interested has to be the craziest idea ever. I think that WOMEN have invented this idea as an EXCUSE to justify their fears.
Jack McGuire says:
Mon, 20th Aug 20079:49 pm
Leigh says :
July 31, 2007 at 4:04 pm
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now and everything is wonderful except that fact that he rarely ever compliments me. Everyone else always mentions how “good” I look or how “pretty” I am. I not trying to be a snot here but I was just wondering….Why? Is there some underlying reason why he just does not want to say nice things to make me feel good about myself? Or am I just being paranoid about the who thing?
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YES, THERE IS A REASON: HE'S A GUY. Guys are dumb like that. Guys tend to think mechanically, not romantically. (That means they TEND to, not 100% of the time, just they lean that way.) Guys have great difficulty understanding the EMOTIONAL value of saying things like compliments. A guys tends to think that he has told you that he thinks you are beautiful, and he trusts you to BELIEVE him. A guy thinks that his previous comment is "good" until further notice! A woman, quite naturally, values the emotions of being told perhaps every day that she looks beautiful. She wants to FEEL this more, not just once. Guys don't get this. Guys assume that you KNOW that he thinks you're beautiful. Notice the divergence between KNOWING and FEELING.
What to do? There is probably NO good way for you to address this. A guy will feel you are criticizing. Perhaps if he does say something nice, LET HIM KNOW that it is really meaningful to you when he says such things. Encourage him. Help him understand that it really counts when he compliments you.
Jack McGuire says:
Mon, 20th Aug 20079:54 pm
Darcy says :
June 29, 2007 at 3:57 am
Is there a way to be nice to the guy who is pursuing me actively without giving him the wrong idea about his chance with dating me?
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Be CLEAR. Women (well, maybe everyone) tend to try to avoid conflict. In this situation especially ambiguity INVITES problems and greater conflit in the end. Not only can you be nice BUT YOU SHOULD BE NICE. A guy will have a hard time dealing with this if he feels you are rejecting him in a rude way. So definitely be nice. But also be clear. I think this is a huge topic and deserves an article. I find myself unable to give more ideas without knowing WHY you like him enough to want to be nice to him, yet you don't want to date him.
Jack McGuire says:
Mon, 20th Aug 200710:12 pm
camille says :
June 28, 2007 at 10:19 am
i really like this guy, and i KNOW he likes me– we talked one-on-one for hours at a party last weekend. but then i had to leave and i was too shy to get his number; i didn’t say goodbye. i told my friend to get his number for me, which she did, but now he’s totally into her instead of me! have i lost my chance with him? is he confused, or is he a jerk?
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When you go to the movies, you can only choose from the available movies. There are probably better movies out there, but they ain't showing that day.
He probably has no idea that are interested. Your friend took the extra step of getting his phone number. From his view of the world, SHE showed that she was interested, you didn't. So, HE THINKS that SHE is someone who is in "the realm of the POSSIBLE." Now, sure, it isn't normally a woman's job to do this. Ideally, a man should ask you out. But that leaves everything to random chance. You are secretly wanting him. He doesn't know it. So, the whole thing falls apart. So, I would say pretty confidently that he is going after your friend because he sees her as POSSIBLE (she took things to a higher level by getting his phone number — showing an interest in getting together). He probably sees you as a very nice woman who is probably out of reach (not that interested in him).
Jack McGuire says:
Tue, 21st Aug 20073:06 am
Jen – NYU says :
June 28, 2007 at 12:25 pm
Is there such a thing as a completely platonic relationship (from the guy’s side of it)?
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ABSOLUTELY! Without any doubt. But WHY? What’s so great about missing out on the best parts of life? But do men have women friends, without sex or romance? SURE.
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My best guy friend (at school) and I spend a LOT of time together. We’re talking like 3-4 days a week. He’s a transfer so he doesn’t have a lot of other friends; but really wants a girlfriend (he expresses this to me daily). I crushed on him for a while, but I realized that I would much rather have him as a friend. But I can’t help but be curious as almost everyone tells me that there’s no way guys and gals can be friends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OF COURSE, guys and gals CAN be friends. That whole discussion takes you in the wrong direction. It is a false “straw man.” What counts is *THIS* man, in particular. Don’t let over-arching cliches influence your individual friendship.
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Is it possible that he feel nothing for me at all?
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Possible, but very unlikely. IN ROMANCE, MEN AND WOMEN ARE USUALLY HANGING BACK, WAITING TO SEE IF THE OTHER ONE IS INTERESTED, AFRAID TO SHOW THEIR CARDS.
He would not be such a good friend if he felt nothing at all. Now, you know, not everyone you are attracted to ENDS UP being perfect for you when you get to know them and think it all through. Does he see you as the perfect girlfriend? I don’t know. Maybe yes, maybe no. But there is no way he feels NOTHING while being that friendly with you. THere has to be potential there.
If you don’t want it to go further, it sounds like both of you are able to make it work quite well as a “mere” friendship. He seems to be willing (too willing in my book) to accept just a friendship and no more.
If you want more, I’d say there is a 90% chance that he is simply holding back because he believes *YOU* don’t want any more. He would probably be quite open to a more romantic relationship, IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT. He is probably afraid of upsetting the apple cart on what is otherwise a beautiful friendship. Especially, if he does not have other friends, he does not want to risk losing what you two have.
However, ANY time you change a relationship, you ought to move slowly (I mean in deliberate steps, not necessarily waiting too long). Expect that a number of steps might be needed to transform the relationship, since it has already been established in a certain way. Changing an established relationship can be touchy.
Matt says:
Tue, 4th Sep 200711:14 am
HAHA…YES
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