Watch Out for the Bitchy Straight Guy

Girls can be classified as bitches. Gay men can too. But can straight guys fall into the ‘bitchy’ category?

Yup.

The Bitchy Straight Guy is one of the most annoying categories of the male species. He comes in many different shapes and sizes; sometimes he’s a thin hipster with stupid hair (like Marcel Vigneron, a contestant on last season’s Top Chef), sometimes he’s a balding, pseudo creative type (like Dustin Diamond, aka Screech, from this season’s Celebrity Fit Club), and other times he’s a popped-collar, J-Crew sandal wearing frat dude (Chad Michael Murray comes to mind…at least in looks and based on that little marriage snafu with his costar).

The one link between these motley individuals? They’re bitches. Guys with all of the bark but none of the bite. Asswipes who get under everyone’s skin and then run if anyone tries to retaliate.

They’re relentless teasers. Boys who grew up passing rumors about you in junior high and doing their best to embarrass you in front of giant crowds of people in high school. They love an audience, and will stoop to any level to get one.

They also have a negative sense of chivalry. When it comes to rumors and reputations, most guys will go after guys, leaving girls to embarrass each other on our own time. But the Bitchy Straight Guy has no boundary, and often targets his cruel jokes and condescension at women, most of whom pose no real physical threat. It doesn’t seem to faze him if you cry, and when you retaliate, he uses his man-bitch powers to make you look like a hysterical crazy person.

Whenever I come into contact with a Bitchy Straight Guy, all I can think about is how good his face would look with a fist in it. These types tend to be how they are because of their innate ability to scramble out of the way before trouble starts, but most would surely benefit from a beat down or two. Either that, or a very public verbal thrashing by someone who isn’t afraid of a BSG’s small arsenal of comebacks.

Not to go all Psychology 101, but I’m pretty sure BSGs are, at their core, suffering from low self-esteem and internal aversion. Why else would they feel the need to constantly taunt and bullshit? Your mom was right when she told you that elementary school bully was just a scared little baby himself. BSG’s are some the biggest babies out there. Big, annoying, falsely arrogant babies.

So next time you stumble across a Bitchy Straight Guy, make sure to remember that he’s nothing but a pussy underneath all his talk. And if his insults come your way, stand up straight and look him in the eye. Nothing freaks a BSG like a chick who won’t back down.