From Being Under Him to Getting Over Him – A Timeline

Is there a formula for how much time it takes to get over an ex after a breakup? I’ve heard a range of answers from friends, from twice the amount of time you spent in the relationship to half that time. My Big Breakup of 2006 took me a year to get over after dating the guy for two, but I’m still fooling around with a guy I dated only briefly almost four years ago.

This discrepancy got me thinking—other than time, what are the factors that dictate how long it’ll take you to get over someone after a breakup? Are there relationship factors, like being in love, that add months to your healing time? Here’s my unofficial guide to the things that will tack on extra post-breakup Ben-and-Jerry’s-on-the-couch time, and the things that will have you getting over the ex and under someone else in no time.

Your friends hated him: – 2 months

This guarantees a few rounds of ex bashing whenever you need it. And when everyone you talk to agrees he’s a loser, it’s that much harder to reminisce about that one nice thing he did for you, that one time.

He broke up with you via MySpace: + 1.5 months

True story. This one is a hit to the ego, but remember—if he breaks up with you via MySpace, he probably would have proposed via text message, so you’re better off.

The sex was mind-blowing: + X amount of months, until you have better sex with someone new.

This may sound bleak, but remember, you count as “someone new.” Spend an afternoon getting to know yourself better.

He cheated with someone better looking than you: + 3 weeks

You cheated with someone better looking than you: -2 months

You still have some of his old t-shirts: + 1 week every time you secretly wear one of them to bed post-breakup.

He forgot birthdays and anniversaries: – 2 months

When you spend a birthday not sobbing into a glass of vodka over his forgetfulness, you’ll be happy you never have to deal with it again. Jackass didn’t even buy a card.

He wore a banana hammock: – 2 weeks, + a few months of therapy.