The First Bump-in with the Ex: The Rules

My best friend recently asked me for advice on facing something we’ve all faced at one point or another, with varying degrees of gracefulness—the first bump-in with the ex. Luckily for her, this bump-in would be happening at her friend’s party that she found out he was going to as well, so she was already starting off better than those of us whose first bump-in occurred during a Slurpee run, hair unwashed and legs unshaved.

Having had my share of even premeditated bump-ins that I’d like to do over, I gave her the following advice:

1. Be VERY careful about drinking. Seriously. If you do get trashed, leave ASAP. No crying, vomiting, or “sexy” dancing while drunk (think about it—have you ever seen a wasted girl trying to dance sexy and thought that she looked good? Didn’t think so). And especially no hooking up with another guy or leaving with another guy unless you’re somewhat sober and/or your ex is nowhere in sight. What looks hot when you’re wasted will likely frighten you in the morning.

2. Arrive with someone if possible so you can avoid awkwardly scanning the room and pretending you don’t notice him when you walk in.

3. Look “guy-standard” hot. Meaning, nothing trendy that only women appreciate but guys don’t get (babydoll anything, leggings, etc). Save that for brunch with your girlfriends the day after, because that cute babydoll top will only have him wondering if you got knocked up.

4. No exaggerated loud laughing and/or yelling to show what a fantastic time you’re having.

5. The Greeting: Remember the episode of Sex and the City where Carrie attends Aidan’s bar opening post-breakup? She sees him from across and room and expects this momentous greeting, but he gives her the Warm Smile and Head Nod of Acknowledgment. Ouch. Do that, and beat him to it. Throw in a wave if you’re not feeling the head nod, but keep it demure—wave with all five fingers, not just that middle one.

6. Finally, post-party. Do not turn on your computer. Do not log on to Facebook to casually let him know how nice it was to see him. Noone has ever benefited from doing this.

Readers—did I miss any crucial rules? Have any of these backfired on you? Let’s hear your tales of woe!