Ask a Guy – Installment #4

I hope everyone had a nice holiday last week, and that ya’ll are keeping cool as this heatwave tortures the entire country. It looks like today’s questions are more focused on relationships and less focused on sex; maybe a sign that we’re all maturing together? Eh… probably not. But relationships are just as much fun to dissect, so let’s get right to the first question, which I’d imagine is on the minds of a great number of girls who are entrenched in long-term relationships…

By CC Staff

Amber’s wonders, “In a long term relationship, what does a girl need to do to keep her man interested?”

Can’t wait to see how I answer this one, as keeping myself interested was probably the biggest problem I had in my major relationship, and more often than not, my lack of interest manifested itself in random trysts and affairs.

The short answer is, you shouldn’t NEED to do anything, especially when you are as young as most of us are. If you’re early 20-something boyfriend is having trouble staying interested in you after only a year or so, that’s an awful harbinger of things to come. Instead of trying to keep this guy interested, maybe you should think about cutting your losses and finding a guy that doesn’t need prodding to remain interested in his girlfriend.

But you’re probably in love, and you’re not apt to just throw away a year of your life so quickly, so there are measures you can take to keep your guy into you. Of utmost importance is ensuring that your sex life stays both vibrant and varied. The single biggest problem I had in my relationship was that we basically acted like a married couple by the time we were 22. You know, undress ourselves, get into bed, and maybe we have sex or maybe we don’t. No young guy wants to feel like that’s all he has to look forward to for the rest of his life, or even for the rest of that year. So mix it up. Take showers together. Use your chairs, couches and tiled floors. Tie each other up (but not at the same time… that would be extremely counter-productive). Even if you’ve been with a guy for a year or more, that guy’s gonna be hard-pressed to lose interest if you’re consistently coming up with new ways to maintain a spicy sex-life.

Another, non-sexual method you can employ would be to make sure that you spend quality time apart. While this may sound backwards, it actually can be quite effective. Firstly, if you let him do his thing before meeting up with you later in the night, it lets him know that you trust him implicitly, which is infinitely more attractive than having a girlfriend who nags about where you are and what you’re doing, or one who seemingly can’t spend any time without her guy. Moreover, because guys don’t think like girls do, he’ll usually spend at least part of his time without you worrying about where YOU are and what YOU’RE doing, which will inherently make him long for you. What’s the saying? “Absence makes the heart grow fonder?” In these kinds of instances, that’s usually the case.

However, one instance where absence usually DOESN’T make the heart grow fonder is in long distance relationships, which brings us to Carmen, who asks, “I’ve started seeing this guy, but he goes to school in Philly and I’m in L.A. I really like him though, and I’m certain the feeling is mutual. Is long-distance totally unappealing to guys?”

It may not be totally unappealing, but it’s certainly not the best-case scenario either. The truth is, I’d never advise any college student to get into an LDR. College students, especially guys, are in their sexual primes! Why anybody would want to spend that time mired in a relationship where they are seeing their significant other maybe twice a month is simply beyond me. I understand that you two could be having an incredible summer together, but trying to retain that passion via the phone and a random visit every so often is damn near impossible.

And I don’t really want to hear about those of you who are in “open” long-distance relationships, either. That term is a total joke, in my opinion. An open LDR basically just means that you have a really good friend with benefits who lives across the country. And as I’ve said here before, those typically don’t last.

My advice? Enjoy the hell out of your time together, but try and cut things off as you head back to school. If the feelings really are mutual, you guys will most assuredly find your ways back to each other. And if they aren’t, then you’ve gone ahead and saved yourself from wasting would could otherwise be a very fruitful and enjoyable year of college.

On a similar note, our old friend Darcy has another question for us. She explains that, “A while back, my ex-boyfriend and I split because he was leaving our school, and we didn’t want to carry on a long distance relationship. How long would it take a guy to get over this sort of break up, when there both parties still have feelings for each other?”

See, here’s a girl that gets it. Unless both parties are absolutely certain that a relationship is headed down the aisle, there’s simply no reason to carry on a long-distance relationship.

Now, as far as her question goes, it definitely takes a good while for a guy to emotionally get over any serious relationship, much less one where both parties still have feelings for each other. Now, there’s a caveat here. In all likelihood, it won’t take a guy very long at all to start sleeping with other girls. It’s just our nature to feel like we need to hook up with anything that moves the second we’re released from the bonds of a relationship. But you need to know that this is NOT a sign that we’re necessarily over our exes. It’s just makes a nice release (literally and figuratively), and allows us a respite from thinking about the girl that we no longer have.

But getting over that emotional attachment is a far different story. It could take months, even years, before a guy really lets himself love someone else. And it’s even harder when you’ve broken up due to extenuating circumstances, such as not wanting to maintain an LDR, or my personal favorite, “being in different places in your lives.” Those guys usually won’t be able to really move on until you guys either mutually absolve your feelings for each other, or something happens which makes one of you absolutely hate the other. Otherwise, those feelings will typically linger on for a long time to come.

Finally, in an effort to really understand the way the male mind works, Katie asks, “If a guy seems into me but then suddenly acts distant should I just assume he lost interest or would being forward seem desperate?”

This is such a hard question, because there are any number of reasons a guy could act like this. I should know… I’ve been this guy on way more than one occasion.

Ok. Let me first say that how you respond depends entirely on where you guys are in your relationship. If you’ve hung out a couple of times, maybe made out a little bit, and then he suddenly distances himself, he’s probably doing it either to play coy and not make himself seem too accessible for you (because every guy knows that girls dislike the guy who comes off as too accessible or overeager), or he’s trying to keep a distance so as to ensure that you guys don’t become too serious of an item too fast. In either case, no, the guy hasn’t lost interest, so you shouldn’t be too quick to assume that. And no, being more forward with this guy wouldn’t seem desperate. It would let the guy know that his interest is in fact being reciprocated, and would probably get him to cease being so distant.

On the other hand, there exist those schmucks who act really interested in girls, and then drop off the face of the earth as soon as they’ve slept with said ladies. If you’ve slept with a guy who then immediately starts distancing himself, you should at the very least ACT like you’re dropping him like a bad habit, even if you don’t really want to. For one, these guys tend to be more predatory, so it’s quite possible that they have in fact gotten what they came for and moved on. But even if they haven’t lost interest, and they are keeping their distance so as not to give you ideas about a long-term relationship, you should keep your distance as well.

Most guys count on the fact that a girl they sleep with will immediately get attached, and so we think that we’ll be able to come back to that girl any time we want for more sex. If you keep your distance, you’ll give that guy a rude awakening about what he’s missing out on by not giving you the attention you deserve. This puts the ball entirely in his court, and forces him to make a move one way or the other.

Another great round of questions, girls. Keep em coming!