Breakups for Everyone!

Breaking up sucks, so you might as well get a good story out of it. None of this civil shit — I want tears in the eyes, blood on the walls, buttons off the shirts.

Unfortunately, most of my breakups have been rather tame. I keep my grudges to myself. Depending on the magnitude of the schism, I cope by going the patented Jennifer Aniston route (yoga, weed, Smart Water) or taking a ride on the pie highway to drown my sorrows. Either way, slander and slaughter are kept to a minimum; the only victim is me.

So, I don’t really understand crazy, dramatic breakups, but that doesn’t mean I can’t revel in them (read: laugh at) when they happen, especially in Brad-and-Jen Land. There are the sad ones, like Reese and Ryan and Jake and Kirsten which leave you a little deflated but ultimately make you feel better about yourself — because if they can’t make it work, who can?

And there are the messy ones, like when Claire Danes stole Billy Crudup from pregnant Mary Louise Parker (and then dumped him for Hugh Dancy…nice), or when Jude cheated on Sienna with the nanny. Classic.

And then there’s the plain – old weird breakups: let us not forget how Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes (RIP) burned down the house of her ex, or how Johnny Depp’s arm will always say “Wino Forever.” With the recent demise of Kate and Pete, I eagerly anticipate many more chapters in this file. Does anyone stay together these days?

For more reading pleasure, ivillage has compiled a list of the 12 Most Shocking Celebriting Breakups.