Stranger Than Fiction: Sex Toys

Dull, normal sex leaving you a little bored? Looking for something you can buy that will spice things up? Looking for something you can buy that almost no one else will have? Looking for something that’s plain odd?

Have I got the sex toys for you.

G-Spot Link Cuffs – You take these Velcro babies and lock them around your ankles. Supposedly, it makes “the missionary position” a lot more fun, since it allows your partner to “adjust the positioning” of your legs for maximum effect.

My verdict: Who lacks so much muscle that they can’t keep their legs up on their own accord?

The Doggie Style Strap – (yeah, that’s what it’s called) This strap is designed to go underneath the torso of whoever’s receiving…allowing the “giver” to stop suffering from the rampant backache and exhaustion that apparently comes from going at it from behind.

My verdict: HOW LAZY ARE YOU?!

Rubber Latex Hood – In case your fantasies include having sex with someone in a scary black hood, this product restricts the breathing of the wearer and makes “talking difficult”, allowing the whole escapade to be “more erotic for you and your partner”.

My verdict: I think I saw this once on Law and Order: SVU…and things didn’t go so well.

Make Your Own Penis Kit – If liquid rubber is a part of your sexapades, then this kit is for you. It comes with everything a girl would need to make an “exact replica” of her partner’s Mr. Wankey.

My verdict: private parts and rubber cement seems like an awfully dangerous combination. There’s nothing hot about ripping glue off of your guy’s goods.

The Houdini Chastity Device – watch your boy jump for joy as you clamp his manhood into a “100% stainless steel” chastity device. This little sucker will keep him from having a full erection for as long as you desire.

My verdict: Besides the occasional ex-boyfriend we’d all like to strap this onto and “accidentally” lose the key, I can’t see why anyone would want to clamp this onto anyone.

I Rub My Duckie: Paris – A vibrating duck that comes with “a genuine Swarovski crystal embedded in its beak” and “detachable feather boa”, users can obtain stimulation without ever having to own one of those obvious vibrators.

My verdict: I’m not sure how those sensitive areas are going to react to that feather boa…and using a childhood toy to achieve orgasm seems wrong in so many ways. That Sesame Street segment is now officially ruined.