Zac Efron: Why it Pays to Look Like a 12 Year Old Boy

I’m one of the three people in the world who hated High School Musical.

I thought the writing was terrible, the songs were worse, and the acting was mind-numbingly bad. Granted, it was written for kids, and I guess it was fine for someone just wheening themselves off Sesame Street and the Disney Channel, but when it comes to the over-16 crowd who worship the movie, I just don’t understand.

Another thing I don’t understand is the magical pull of Zac Efron.

I mean, he kind of looks like he’s made of wax. A 12-year-old wax figurine. I know he’s almost 20, but he sure doesn’t look it, and if it wasn’t all over the place that he was dating what’s-her-name, I’d bet $100 dollars his ass was gay.

So why is he so famous? I think it’s the same reason Sanjaya and Clay Aiken (two boys who should just give up and step out of the closet) were /are so popular. Tween girls love guys who look harmless, sweet, and perfectly groomed.

These guys look into the camera lovingly, have non-threatening voices, bust out vaugely—but not too—sexual dance moves and always seem completely drug free. They’re male candy; sweet and sugary and manufactured.

I suppose I can understand the Tween love affair with Mr. “Cupie Doll” Efron. When I was that age, my walls were covered in Leonardo DiCaprio pictures. Covered. I was in love with his boyish face, his skinny frame, and his almost feminine hair…looking back on it now, I find it hard to see the allure of a pubescent looking 20-something, but that’s because at this age, I’m looking for a man. Someone who knows how to pay their taxes and make dinner and beat up someone for my affection.

Every time I look at Efron, I feel like I might have to stand next to him at the urinal and make sure he isn’t intimidated.

So if you’re 12, I say, go on and moon over the boy.

But if you’re pushing 21 and still think he’s dreamy…you might want to flip off the Mouse Ears channel. It’s brainwashing you.