An A#$hole Or A Gentleman?

July 22, 2007 - 2:00 pm By Jess - NYU

The other day, a guy helped me off a city bus.

“Here you go, sweetheart” he said, standing near the last step and holding out his hand, “watch your step.”

I took his hand and said thank you, walking quickly down the sidewalk and willing the carsickness I had acquired from hours on a hot, crowded, jiggling city bus to dissipate before I threw up on 6th avenue. It wasn’t until my dizziness subsided that I had the energy to think back on my chivalrous gentlemen friend.

The guy who had helped me wasn’t much older than myself. Granted, he was bigger, about 200 pounds and seven inches bigger, but the years between us couldn’t have been more than a few. Here you go, sweetheart. I mean, he had helped me. But had I really needed the help in the first place?

One my biggest pet peeves is when men who don’t know me call me something endearing. Sweetheart. Honey. Used completely on purpose, those words—when uttered by a male close to my own age—are designed to make everyone in the conversation aware of who is in charge. Those words are condescension at it’s worst. I may be short and have the tendency to look young, but if you’re not my dad, boyfriend, or 100 year old neighbor, I’m certainly not your Honey.

But maybe the guy wasn’t trying to condescend. He didn’t sound sarcastic. On the other hand, he didn’t sound like he was talking to a peer, either. And it’s not like he helped the skinny Hipster kid behind me (then again, that kid smelled like he didn’t understand the need for humans to shower).

As I walked down the street, I argued with myself. Had the dude who helped me off the bus just been a friendly guy who called every girl under the age of 30 sweetheart? Or was he someone who took chivalry too far, reaching out to aid every poor, delicate, accident-prone girl who crossed his path? Was he just being kind, or was he an asshole dressed up in a size XXL three-piece suit?

What do you think, lovelies?

Should I be insulted, or grateful?

Diana - NYU says:
Sun, 22nd Jul 20075:32 pm

Hmm. I don’t think he was TRYING to be an asshole, but I do feel like a man you don’t know calling a woman a term of endearment is a way to exert power and establish who’s boss. My ex used to call waitresses “sweetheart” and “honey” when we went out to dinner, and I always chewed him out for it. He was brought up in a very patriarchal family, and really did, whether he would admit it or not, see women as slightly below him. I don’t think bus guy’s intentions were to put you down, but I would also feel conflicted about whether I should be insulted or pleased.

rob says:
Fri, 17th Aug 20072:59 am

See now I would have said, ” heyya sweet thing, where’d ya hide yer angel wings” then sent her on her way with a light smack on the bum.

Now before I get lynched yes it was a sexist joke and i should be forced to eat dirt by a dominatrix but not until she loosens the dog collar so I can breath.