Bear Trapped!

Sometime in the spring, a buddy of mine sat me down and made me watch an episode of “Man Vs. Wild” on the Discovery Channel. For those of you who’ve been living in a cave for the past year (or perhaps living in one of the ridiculously remote places that the show chronicles), the show follows a British bloke named Bear Grylls as he teaches you how to survive if, God forbid, you found yourself stranded in the middle of Nowheresville, Alaska, or the Australian Outback.

By Candy

Generally, all he has with him are the clothes on his back, maybe a canteen for water, and a knife. Oh, and his cameraman, which I assure you I’ll get back to.

I have to say, I was pretty impressed from the get-go. The first episode I watched featured Bear trying to survive in the Serengeti, as he informed viewers how to go about avoiding lions and rhinoceros’ while trying to find civilization. Cool stuff.

But I was totally hooked when, about halfway through the episode, our hero found himself without any water. In order to survive, he picked up a pile of fresh elephant feces, squeezed it over his head, and drank the fluids that dripped out. I shit you not (no pun intended)! By all accounts, this guy looked like the real deal, and I’ve been a fan ever since.

Unfortunately, it seems as though, much like Optimus Prime, there’s more to Bear Grylls than meets the eye. According to an article seen in today’s New York Post, the man who actually drank his own urine while stranded in the Aussie Outback actually stays in posh hotels once the cameras are turned off. One episode had Bear stranded on a desert island… which turned out to be an island of Hawaii. Must have been tough to find his way out of that one.

I guess it’s only natural to have been skeptical, seeing as there’s always a guy with a camera following Bear around, and one wouldn’t think that the cameraman was totally gung-ho about drinking his piss right along with his buddy Bear. But still, I find it very disheartening to discover that he’s not actually sleeping in trees high above the Everglades in order to avoid alligators. Or that after he bites the head off a live snake, he gets catered to a nice warm meal at a hotel nearby.

Look, I’m not trying to discredit the guy. I can’t see myself drinking the juices from elephant shit for any amount of money, much less for shits and giggles. But this guy’s quickly becoming one of the more popular television personalities on the planet (not to mention a new sex symbol for hordes of adoring female fans). If he’s selling himself as braving the all the elements as a testament to his survival skills, can’t we at least expect him to actually do all the things he claims to do?