College Candy

By definition, vegans don’t eat animals or any animal by products. They one-up their vegetarian friends by completely scratching dairy and eggs from their daily intake.

Vegans in New Zealand, however, are taking it one step further: They won’t even DO IT with someone who eats meat. Apparently, the vegansexuals are all over the Kiwi continent.

I understand completely someone’s personal decision to remain meat free. I was a non-red meat eater for eight years myself. There are a lot of factors and personal vindications that come with being a vegan or vegetarian.

My old rule used to be that if I wouldn’t kill it with my own bare hands, then I wouldn’t eat it (because, yes, if I needed to I would kill a turkey with my own hands).

This totally went out the window when I realized how delicious beef, pork and lamb were. Which works out well now that I work at a Texas BBQ restaurant. Mmm, meat.

But, I digress.

The whole vegansexual trend reminds me of this really weird article I read a while ago about a man dating a woman that required him to wear a full body condom-like plastic suits to have sex. And he did it. And he described it. It was totally weird.

Doesn’t that cut the whole intimacy thing out of the equation? I mean, who wants to feel nothing but rubber or latex when you’re doing it. Wrapping up the man meat is enough for me.

Which leads me to my point about the vegansexuals. While they’re attracted to meat eaters, they don’t want to have sex with them because they believe a meat eater’s body is a wasteland of dead animal carcasses. They literally believe that you are what you eat. Because of this theory, one woman “really struggled” with the bodily fluids of carnivores. Interesting.

By cutting out meat eating sex partners, they’re kind of wrapping their sexual desires in a full body condom suit. Its just sex. Sure, it can get messy but it isn’t dirty. The vegansexuals, like the plastic suit lady, are making our bodies seem like nasty objects—unless they’re totally clean, wrapped in plastic and free of all animal by products, of course.