The Real World Sydney: Bitches Ain’t Sh!t

Last night marked the 19th season debut of that reality show that begat all other reality shows, The Real World. This season, producers decided to ship the cast of seven to Sydney, Australia, for four months of down-under debauchery. Whoopie.

I wasn’t planning on watching last night’s debut, but as with an awful car accident, once I stumbled onto it, I couldn’t turn away. I mean, the four girls are all incredibly hot.

There’s KellyAnne, a wild child from Texas who loves to party and admittedly loves to flirt with every boy in sight. There’s Tricia, from California, who lends an aura of superiority to everything she does. There’s Parisa, the show’s first ever Muslim, whom I guess producers felt would create enough drama that she’s ostensibly replaced both the show’s token African-American as well as the show’s token homosexual, and my personal favorite, Shauvon, a buxom beauty likewise from Cali who writes her own sex column at Sacramento State University and who may have the biggest set of breasts in the history of the Real World.

The show does have guys as well, including, for a change, TWO guys from my neck of the woods in the deep south. There’s Dunbar from Mississippi, the all-American southerner, and Cohutta, from bumblefuck Georgia, who easily has one of the great names I’ve ever heard. Rounding out the cast is Isaac, a tough guy from Cleveland, who seemed to lack any personality whatsoever but wasted no time in schtupping Shauvon in the confessional room. I’d also like to point out that Isaac is apparently carrying around a 4.0 GPA at the University of Arizona, a feat once thought to be wholly impossible.

It was immediately obvious that this season will focus almost entirely on the four girls and the drama that unfolds between them. Don’t believe me? Within the first ten minutes of the episode Tricia and Kelly Anne felt that Parisa wasn’t friendly enough upon her arrival and, therefore, decided that Parisa would be their enemy for the duration of their stay in Sydney.

Very mature. And it only went downhill from there.

Parisa made waves of her own when she decided on the second morning in the house that she was already fed up with KellyAnne’s drinking habits and stated to Shauvon that she wasn’t in Australia to be KellyAnne’s babysitter. Sure, KellyAnne was waaaasted, but isn’t that what the Real World’s all about? Is it possible that Parisa’s never seen an episode before? These people don’t need babysitters… paid memberships in AA perhaps, but not babysitters.

Later, Tricia confronted Parisa about cleaning the kitchen with one of the more passive-aggressive rants I’ve ever come across. Believe you me, there’s little in life that’s more entertaining that trying to watch girls who are complete opposites co-exist under one roof.

But where I really lost it was during another of Tricia’s rants. She and KellyAnne went to a McDonald’s, where apparently Tricia had a fairly hard time understanding the cashier’s English. By her own admission, she paid for a McFlurry, and then proceeded to freak out on the cashier. She told the cashier to use the money to pay for some “f&@king English lessons,” and then stormed out.

Forgetting the fact that it was one of the more prejudiced rants of all time, you can imagine how much this tale must have endeared Tricia to Parisa, the daughter of two immigrants.

Needless to say, the tension amongst the fine females is already palpable just one episode in. Will I continue to watch? The season previews really didn’t look all that exciting, so I guess that remains to be seen. But if you’re the kind of girl that gets off on watching other girls duke it out for 30 minutes at a time, this season’s version of the Real World is definitely for you!