Disclaimer: What Not to Do in College

Last summer, I found myself packing up my life (have you ever noticed that your life seems extremely pathetic when you get around to actually packing it up in luggage?) and heading off, seven hours away, to a world of cheap beer, dirty laundry, and glorious, glorious freedom. It was my freshman year of college.Sure, I had older friends, and they were all dying to give me advice.

Don’t procrastinate, never forget your shower shoes, beware the freshman fifteen, look to your right- look to your left- both those guys probably have chlamydia. You know, stuff like that.

Anyway… it’s about time to pack up life (beware moldy sandwiches) and head back to school, but for you young readers this is a big deal, and there’s no doubt you’ve got questions. So, I’m hooking you up with some vital answers.

Things you should never do (but most likely will anyway) in college:

1. Invest your back-to-school-shopping money in cute sweaters, shirts, skirts, pants… (sophisticated college clothes, duh!) Don’t do it. College students are what keep the sweatpant industry booming. You will never, ever, wake up for your 9 AM philosophy class and think, “I want to wear that cute skirt from Anthropologie!” You will, however, wake up for your 9 AM philosophy class and still be drunk. Welcome to college.

2. Wait until Thursday night to write a paper due Friday. And no, I’m not preaching to not procrastinate, because admittedly some of my best work has originated from the four AM grind, but there is a legitimate reason that this inconspicuous day of the week has been dubbed “Thirsty Thursday” by many a college student. If you are caught sitting in your room tinkering over a term paper you will be physically (and forcefully) carried off to a keg party by some beefy frat guy on your floor. (Current collegians everywhere are nodding their heads.)

3. Hook up with the really cute guy in your building…and then hook up with his really cuter roommate. You are asking for the most awkward elevator ride of your life. It is that simple.

4. Treat the dining commons as your twenty-four hour all-you-can-eat-buffet. I’m starting to think it fate that loose-fitted babydoll dresses came into style just as I polished off a year’s worth of hamburgers, fries, pizza, and unlimited soft-serve. Eat sensibly, join the gym, avoid looking preggers. (Not as easy as it sounds.)

5. Expect to outdrink the guys. Sure you’ve got this new rock hard tolerance, you’ve finally learned how to stomach $11 vodka, you’re a tank. Your current pride & joy is not that A+ econ midterm, but rather your surprisingly impressive kegstand skillz. You’re stoked. So you’re sure you can go shot for shot with that cute guy on the soccer team. Don’t be so sure. One friend took a two AM shower, in her clothes. Another decided, while scantily clad, that a snow angel would be her greatest idea yet. One pal peed on a lamp. (And doesn’t remember.) I spent a whole night, from the waist up, inside of a trash can. Incriminating photos were taken. Don’t underestimate the uncanny power you have to completely humiliate yourself, it’s really quite easy thirteen shots deep!

Now, I’m sure these tips have absolutely horrified you. You’re probably holding on to your mother’s leg at this exact moment and begging her not to make you go. Breathe. You’re going to be okay. However, you will do stupid things, and you will begin to laugh and learn, because you know what the best part of college really is? Waking up in your clothes from the night before, stumbling down the hall into your best friend’s room, and swapping stories, scandals, and secrets.

In the meantime, practice reciting these three words: I did WHAT?