The Hills Recap. Take One.

It finally happened.

After months of waiting – and an amazingly saucy lesbian version of Engaged and Underage – season three of The Hills finally premiered. I had no doubts that the show was going to be top notch, but after watching such a ridiculous ep of Engaged and Underage (full of lesbian fights, make out scenes and a whole lotta white dresses), I really didn’t know if my show could live up to all of my original expectations.

Well, my friends, did it ever!

Let the recap begin! And there is no better place to star than at the beginning.

Like with Whitney (shockingly!!!) getting a full time job at Teen Vogue. Oh, and LC returning for her third consecutive year as an intern…because everyone gets a three year internship! I mean, one semester isn’t standard or anything. All huge fashion mags invite their not-famous-at-all interns back for a few more years.

But that’s not important. LC deserves it, after all. She’s smart and likes to write (kinda, according to her original interview) and spends her parents money on clothes. If that doesn’t qualify you for the LONGEST INTERNSHIP OF ALL TIME, then I don’t know what does.

Anyways, back to the really important stuff: the size of the sunglasses this season. Is it just me, or did they get even bigger in LA? Don’t get me wrong; I love me some giant sunglasses (especially when I’m hungover), but these are just bigger/more 80’s-er than before. Whitney’s were even covered in animal print. Is that in? If so, I need to get my ass to the nearest Frederick’s of Hollywood for some new shades.

I do have to say, however, there is nothing better about The Hills than some good ole drunk Lauren. Last night’s episode made me realize that LC and I have more in common than I ever knew. Mainly, the fact that we both get really loud while drinking.

Come on, Lauren. Did you really think that screaming “He’s from London! He has an accent! He’s leaving in the morning! JACKPOT!!” while the boy sits next to you is smooth?

And the fight. Oh the fight was so great! Heidi writes Lauren a “personal” letter. The way she talked about this thing you would think it was a 10 pager. Nope. Blonde Heidi could barely string a few words together, let alone put some deep thoughts on paper. Don’t remember what it said? It went a little something like this:

“Lauren. I miss your friendship. Spencer is great in bed. Why didn’t you come to my party, bitch?”

Ah. And then the fight outside the club. Watching other girls fight outside of a bar really brought me back to my sorority days. Good times.

Anyways, I have taken this recap way too far; I just got so excited. So, instead of over analyzing anything else, I will leave you with these final thoughts:

Audrina’s head is about as full as an empty balloon

Heidi’s boobs look like two over-inflated balloons

Jen is just the ugliest person in town. Why are the Jews always the ugly ones!?

Lauren keeps having problems with friends. Could it be her? Could it be her giant labia?!

Stay tuned and we’ll find it all out together!