Pretty Pretty Taser

As many new Freshmen begin packing up for orientation, nervous parents everywhere are worrying about their safety. How will my daughter protect herself from those occasional college crazies?

By Jess

They think to themselves, “How can I be sure she’ll be safe when she walks back to her dorm at 2 A.M?”

Well, girls, if you’ve got parents like these, tell them to relax. Because I’ve got just the thing that will keep you protected—and stylish at the same time.

Taser International has just unveiled it’s newest, 50,000 volt hand-held stun gun that not only renders a subject incapable of brain function for a few minutes, but comes in cute colors like “metallic pink”, “electric blue”, “titanium silver” and “black pearl”.

While some people are nervous about whole idea of pedestrian tasers, Taser International claims their new market campaign is designed to help women protect themselves—without inflicting undo harm.

The company explains the ideal way to use it’s new device is to “fire [it}, hit the intended target with its two electrical probes that stun a person for 30 seconds, drop the C2 at the scene and then run for help”.

Those who don’t feel like dropping their new pink designer weapon are most likely allowed to take it with them when they flee…but are probably advised against gluing rhinestones onto it.