Am I Being a Friend or an A#$hole?

August 21, 2007 Posted in Reality

friends arguing I have a tendency to speak my mind. Especially when my opinion is not particularly welcome.

I don’t think it is my fault; my mother is a very judgmental woman and if she thinks something, then everyone else should agree. Unfortunately, she passed that lovely trait onto me (along with big thighs, ugly toes and an obsession with a clean house).

I have tried to fix it.

For the past year I have made a conscious effort to be less judgmental and to let people make their own decisions.

The only problem I seem to have these days, though, is the inability to find the (oh so fine) line between being overly judgmental and being a good friend. I constantly find myself wondering where one ends and the other begins.

So, when my friend told me she met up with her ex who treated her like a piece of shit I didn’t know how to react.

On the one hand, I wanted to scream and tell her that he is not good for her; that he is only going to hurt her again. I wanted to make it cleat that even talking to him can lead to big, bad ugliness.

On the other hand, I wanted to let her make her own decisions. Let her see if he changed. Let her see if they would even be going down that road again. Then, if things end up as I predict they will, be there to bring her pretzels and frosting and make her smile.

I don’t know what to do. Is telling her how I feel – reminding her of her months of pain – the way to be a good friend?

Or is that too much? Should I just sit back and let her walk back into a potentially dangerous situation? One where she can end up very, very hurt?

This is a question men and women have been grappling with for years. I never really dealt with it, though, because I never stopped to think; I always just dove right in and told everyone who was listening how I felt. What I thought.

But now, knowing how my often harsh opinions affected others, I am forced to stop. How, then, am I supposed to proceed?

I want to be a better person. A better friend. I just don’t know how to do it.

Suggestions?

48523 Comments2007-08-21+15%3A58%3A22Lauren+-+University+of+Michigan on "Am I Being a Friend or an A#$hole?"

Christine says:
Tue, 21st Aug 20078:07 am

I have a rule whenever I am faced with situations like this. If I feel a friend of mine is going to make a decision that could be harmful, I say something along the lines of, 'I'm not sure if this is a very good decision, but it is YOUR decision to make. I will support you despite what happens. Just know that I feel that it could be very harmful to you and I want you to think carefully before making a decision, whatever that may be.'

This way you're still putting your thoughts out there, but still being supportive.

Brandi says:
Tue, 21st Aug 20073:04 pm

I agree with Christine. Emphasize your care for your friend's feelings before telling them your thoughts. Sometimes, people don't want to believe that they were ever mistreated by a person – especially someone that they once thought very highly of. express concern without being too specific ("remember that time when…." situations).

unfortunately, not everyone can be blunt.

most importantly, be there in the end – whether the reunification ends in friendship or goes down in flames.

Hanabira says:
Thu, 23rd Aug 20076:35 am

a friend is someone who is there for you no matter what. your role as a friend is to be supportive. its no use telling people how to live their lives because people can only learn through experiencing life for themselves. let friends make their mistakes but support them when they do- thats not to say you cant give warnings or opinions but do so lightly and without force so that they can hear your advice but thats all that it is.

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