Guide to Freshman Year

The New York Times recently published a list of tips to incoming freshman at local NYC schools.

The list, which you can see here, provided nothing more than grounds for all Times readers to question the level of intelligence of the very people that work there. Anyone with half a brain (read: anyone who would be going to college in the first place) would not only know half of this sh*t already, but might even be made dumber for having read this.

Oh, writers at the Times, how out of touch you are with the reality of college.

Sure, some students get drunk and decide to take a dip in dangerously murky bodies of water, but it is about so much more than you have listed here.

For real tips and rules for incoming Freshmen, you have to talk to someone who knows college inside and out. Someone who devoted 4.5 years to studying (at) an undergraduate institution. Someone like….ME!

So, for the incoming Freshmen out there, I give you 10 tips and rules to live by:

1. Pack Costumes: I know it sounds weird, but college and costumes go together like pizza and beer. Looking back to my freshman year, I can’t remember how many times I found myself halfway under my bed screaming, “WHERE IS MY BOA AND CONE BRA?!” I can remember, though, the amount of times I found myself halfway under my bed screaming, “WHERE IS MY STATS BOOK?!” The answer is zero. I never even bought it.

2. Do Not Drink the Punch

3. Lock the Door When Drinking: The R.A. doesn’t need a warrant to search your room, so make sure the door is locked when drinking (or doing other…ahem…illegal things). She then has to knock and you will have plenty of time to hide the bottles/light some candles to rid your room of that….planty smell.

4. Always Have a Condom: It may seem presumptuous, but better safe than sorry. Trust me, having to leave the best 4 years of your life to have a baby…not so fun. Ok, maybe you can’t trust me on that because I am baby free, but I just have this feeling changing diapers wouldn’t be nearly as fun as BEER PONG!!!

5. Where Shoes in the Shower: Don’t ask. Just do it.

6. Take Your Grandparents Out of Your Cell: People tend to steal phones and drunk dial. I don’t think gramps would appreciate a drunk girl calling him at 3 AM screaming, “LAUREN IS MAKING OUT. LAUREN IS GONNA HAVE SEX WITH A BOY! I LOVE PIZZA!!”

7. Love Salad: They may just be the only edible food in the cafeteria.

8. Act Sober: If you are on the street, in the dorm, or running to puke in the library bathroom, act sober. Otherwise, you may be calling the parentals from the po-lice station. And that is a total buzz kill.

9. Stock up on Powerade: It works wonders on a hangover, especially before a 9am lecture.

10. Bring Your Camera Everywhere: Every party, every pre-party, every day is worth documenting. If only to remind you what you did the next morning.