College Candy

While perusing the internet (and looking over my shoulder to make sure no one was watching) during a slow day at work, I came across this fun little article: The Six People You Meet in Bars. The article was funny and slightly true from my limited experiences in the after-college bar scene.

And then I started thinking about the college bar scene. At first, all I could focus on was how amazing it was – the cheep beers, the adorable boys, the cheep beers – but I quickly snapped out of it.

I just miss it so much!

Anyhoo, I began to think about the 6 types of people you meet in college bars. And here you have it:

1. The Popped Collar Boys: You will find these dudes by the bar, making unfunny jokes at very high levels, flirting with the bartenders, macking on cute girls nearby, and racking up an obscene tab on their dad’s credit cards.

They are the most generous guys in the bar, which they need to be to achieve their #1 goal of finding a hot lady to take home.

They sport expensive clothes, travel in packs and either gel their hair or wear their hats cocked 23 degrees up and to the left.

Likes: Pink shirts, girls with big boobs, money, Grey Goose

Dislikes: People who call them out on their douchey-ness, being ignored by the bartender

Upside: Free booze!

Downside: Running your hands through that brittle hair

2. The Really (Reaaaaaaaaaaaally) Drunk Girls: You know what these look like; mostly because you have been one at least once in your life. No matter what the reason, these girls decide to pre-party with long games of Quarters, Kings and “Let’s Take Shots of TEQUILA!” They stumble to the bar, scream when Madonna songs come on and attempt to dance by throwing their arms over their heads and shaking their asses.

Likes: Alcohol, late night pizza, someone to hold her hair back when she hurls

Dislikes: Any song that is not from 1989, water, falling on the sticky floor

Upside: Hello, easy sex!

Downside: Hello, puke in your bed!

3. The College T-Shirt Boys: These guys don’t care about anything but the game on the TV. In fact, they didn’t even realize it was $1 pitcher night and only came to this bar to watch the 51″ plasma tv.

Likes: Sports, beer

Dislikes: All the really (really) drunk girls blocking the T.V. while dancing to Madonna

Upside: You know what he is interested in right off the bat, low maintenance

Downside: A t-shirt? At the BAR?

4. The In-Town-To-Visit People People: These pieces of fresh prime meat are like Kobe steak in your ground beef world. Visiting friends are at the bar for a good time…for a short time. The visitees want to make sure the visitors fall in love with the school and realize just how awesome it is, so they do their best to get the visitors drunk and happy. Like finding them someone to make out with. Late in the night, you might even find said visitor in the corner singing your school’s fight song.

Likes: Everything. It is all so new and exciting. Oh, and talking about how great his or her school is.

Dislikes: Everyone saying how shitty his/her school is

Upside: Knows no one, leaving tomorrow

Downside: Can’t walk of shame it home in the morning cuz he/she doesn’t know their way

5. The Over-Protective Girls: Back off, asshole. These girls will not let their friend be alone in a corner with you, let alone head home in a cab. Especially if you are a numero uno (see above). Their friend is out with them, damnit. She will not ruin girls’ night to be with you! So back off. She came in a pack and she is leaving in a pack. And most likely, she is the cutest girl in the pack of overprotective girls who are being overprotective so no one goes home with a guy and makes the others feel ugly.

Likes: Food, cats, vibrators

Dislikes: Boys who like their cute friends more than them, cute friend

Upside: ??

Downside: So many. So so many.

6. The Celebrating the End of an Exam People: Definitely the most generous people in the room, end-of-exam people are out to get wasted and have a good time. Period. Oh, and they want everyone else to have fun too, so don’t be surprised if they start buying rounds for people in close proximity. You will hear them screaming answers to exam questions and telling their “asshole prof” to “f*ck off.” This group will show up to the bar in sweats – having just left the exam – and go from wary to wasted in 10 minutes flat.

Likes: Booze, not studying, partying all night

Dislikes: Their prof, the lines at the bar, the fact that they won’t know their score for weeks

Upside: Totally in the mood to party/have a good time

Downside: Pillow talk will consist of the exam, how hard it was, and hours of calculating their score