The Hills: Can Someone Give Audrina a Cookie?

Sorry for the tardiness of my post. I would like to say that I was out doing something fabulous Monday night that kept me away from both MTV and my computer, but I can’t lie.

By Lauren

In all reality, 3 days of drinking and 3 days of tanning really wreaked havoc on my body and left me completely passed out in my bed at 9PM last night.

Thankfully, I have DVR.

Which is amazing because, otherwise, I would have missed out on some really big things happening with our friends on The Hills.

Like the new beard Spencer is sporting, causing him to look like some new species of preppy mountain man. I really didn’t know anyone could grow facial hair that fluffy and scary looking.

Perhaps it is a cover for his homosexual feelings for Brody? I mean, after all, he was acting like a total bitch during the big break up convo. Which, by the way, reminded me of high school math.

If A = B and B= C, then A = C, right?

Well, in Spencer’s world it goes a little something like this:

If A (Brody) hangs out with B (LC) and B (LC) is C (the enemy), then A (Brody) = C (the Enemy)

Does anyone else find this train of thought completely ludicrous?! I am sorry, Spencer, but considering what a douche bag you are, you may want to be a little less whiney-bitch with the friends who are actually willing to spend time with you.

I mean, you really don’t have many options. In fact, you and Heidi have done one hell of a job alienating everyone you know from your lives.

Except, of course, Jen Bunny.

But, she isn’t quite a catch. Well, at least she wasn’t before the nose job. While she still isn’t the most attractive girl to grace The Hills – nor does she bring much to the table in terms of personality – the new nose is a slight improvement. At least I don’t hear a faint witch’s cackle every time she enters the room.

And her deep and riveting conversation with Heidi over breakfast was definitely an interesting one. Not really what the girls talked about – which was really nothing at all – but more the editing on the part of MTV.

It was great; Heidi and Jen Bunny (who, interestingly, has the same initials as Justin Bobby!) discuss their failed relationships with Lauren. Then we see Heidi looking like she’s on the verge of tears and playing with her food as the sappy music fades in.

MTV wants you to imagine Heidi is thinking this:

I really miss Lauren. I wish we were still friends. She was my best friend and my life is just not the same without her.

But, here is what was really going on through her head:

God, I feel so fat. I just ate 3 bites of these pancakes. Maybe if I push the food around my plate a little people will think I ate more. I hope MTV’s cameras don’t follow me into the bathroom when I get home and puke.

Now, I realize that all this makes me seem like an evil bitch. But I am not.

In fact, as this week’s episode came to an end I actually felt a little worried about Spencer. After all, without Brody in his life, what is Spencey going to do for money?

I guess we will find out next week. When Jason comes back after his numerous stints in jail. Will his new rough exterior make LC weak in the knees?

I can’t wait to find out!