The Gray-Rape Myth
Ladies, take note: the magazine that we love to hate, Cosmopolitan, is touting the sex trend du jour. It seems that gray-rape is the new date rape!
What is gray-rape? It’s the type of rape that happens after you protest having sex with someone but they go ahead anyway after you black out after one too many Smirnoff shots and cheep beer at your local frat’s beer pong competition.
Sigh. Who knew I would yearn for the days that Cosmo published articles that merely warned us that we are most likely to get attacked and raped in the summertime because of flimsy outfits?
Until winter rolls around, when we’re most vulnerable because we’re less on guard, or something. And on vacation, because we leave our inhibitions and tasers at the door.
Oh, and on any old day, coming home from work, because we’re less paranoid of attackers lurking in the bushes when we’re close to home.
And now they’re telling us we have not-quite-rape to worry about?
I don’t know about you, but I think that saying “no” and promptly passing out sends a pretty clear message: “Even if I wanted to sleep with you, which I don’t, I would not be physically able to participate in intercourse as evidenced by the fact that I am not awake for it.”
Of course, Cosmopolitan is not the first to use the term, but describing it on their cover as “A New Kind of Date Rape You Must Know About,” reads kind of like “A New Mary-Jane Flats Trend You Must Check Out,” which worries me considering the magazine’s huge reader base.
For Cosmo to make it less than it is simply because a woman is incapable of screaming bloody murder because she’s uh, passed out, makes it all the more scary for a woman to say “I was raped.”
Let’s look at it this way. If someone was attempting to murder you, but you blacked out from shock before they repeatedly bludgeoned you, would that be “gray-murder?” Or does this whole gray area only exist when it comes to sexual assault against women? I was under the impression that regardless of whether you’re drunk, already making out, on a date, or whatever, saying “no” means just that.
Where’s the gray in that?
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Jazzman says:
Fri, 14th Sep 20075:19 pm
I’m a guy. Only a loser would resort to forcing sex on a female whether she’s awake or not. No means NO! If there is no consent, it is rape. Cosmo just wants to seem controversial instead they come across as stupid. In fairness however, chicks who intentionally get wasted midst a bunch of strangers, or on a date with a guy they don’t really know or can trust
are also stupid.
betty says:
Thu, 11th Oct 200710:34 pm
I am a rape survivor. I was very drunk when I was raped by a male companion. He was the wolf in sheeps clothing type. Just to give you an idea of how drunk I was, I had about 12 drinks in 2 hours and I weigh 110 pounds. Once I was passed out, both from alcohol and being sleepy, he attacked me. He weighed about 220 pounds. I tried to call out, but I was so drunk I don't even know how loud I really yelled. He claimed it was not rape based on a statement I cannot say whether or not it was actually said. I was too drunk to remember every thing. I was however, alone in my room, with the door closed. I made no advances to this person. I didn't give any indication to anyone that I was interested. I was told by the police that since I couldn't remember enough, it couldn't be prosecuted, even though he admitted that we did have sex. What confuses me is how can it be considered anything less than rape, I was completely drunk, he had sex with me, and whether or not I said yes, once he approached me, I was not in a state of mind to make any decisions that night.
I think gray rape is a cop out for people who want to blame the victim. I will acknowledge that who I let in my home, I should be more careful about, but I am not to blame for a man forcing himself on me.
Cosmopolitan needs to focus more on educated woman on ways to prevent attacks, not ways to take the blame off the attacker, and onto the victim.
Douglas says:
Fri, 12th Oct 200712:30 am
So what if she is a little drunk, he is a little drunk, they have sex, and the next day she regrets it? Especially after it becomes talk of college friends? What stops her from pressing charges and him being convicted?
While I agree that if a woman says no that its time to back off for the night. However, it’s going to be hard to prove…
When will we be making sex while drinking illegal? Because that’s what youre going to have to do!
skyler says:
Thu, 18th Oct 20077:32 pm
I agree that the way Cosmo presented the article was a little tacky, and as you state, written like a trend column. However, it's like those Lance Armstrong bracelets: if knowledge can be marketed as a fad, people will consume it, and Cosmo is after all a consumer-driven magazine. I say sell it up.
Now, I actually agree with the term "gray-rape". It's being used here not to identify the act itself; rape is a very clear cut case – the whole "no means no" bit. I think what they are trying to say is that it becomes a gray area when trying to prove, -especially- with alcohol involved! I know this from first-hand experience. Being raped by a friend I think is the hardest position to be in. The real intent behind the newly coined phrase is to make women aware that –while they may feel that it was a warranted advance, or that they themselves are to blame because they may or may not have put themselves in a vulnerable position, or maybe they just don't remember their night's adventures leading up to an unwanted violation, or even wondering what they would have done differently if they were sober– that though it may feel like a gray-area, it's not. This "gray rape" really –is– the "new thing to watch out for."
Falsely says:
Thu, 6th Dec 20071:36 am
With juries across America pretty much rejecting the idea of “drunken consent” prosecutions in rape cases, prosecutors are beginning to “just say no” to women who want to punish men for women’s “regrettable” sexual encounters. Rape cops are beginning to abandon their “politically correct” instruction manuals, and actually telling some of these “victims” to not bother filing a complaint. Increasingly, (and, as I predicted)rape cases are falling into what is being called a “Gray Area” of the law.
“GRAY RAPE”, as it is now being called, even by the likes of COSMO magazine, is a natural backlash to the feminazi-promoted idea that any woman should be able to have any man arrested at any time for any reason. Women, it seems, could not be trusted with such power. With False Rape Accusations (FRA’s, a term coined by Yours Truly) clogging up court dockets for reasons as mundane as “the bastid told me these jeans make me look fat, so of course I wanted to send him to prison!”, the pendulum was bound to swing back.
Like it or not, the new rule is going to be:
If you consent to being alone with a guy, then your consent to have sex with him is implied.
If he doesn’t use a weapon, and you don’t have sufficient bruising to go alone with your claim that you said “NO”, and there isn’t a witness or a recording of the event, then the definition of “GRAY RAPE” will soon be expanded to include your case, right alongside the case of the woman who was too drunk to remember giving consent.
Even cases where the rapist slips “date-rape drugs” into a woman’s drink are falling more and more into this unprosecutable Gray Area. Now that rapists can easily learn about proper dosages right here on the Internet, all traces of the drug are always gone before the woman is aware enough to complain. And if not, well, maybe she took it herself–after all, it’s also a “party” drug.
Finally, rapists, if they have an I.Q. high enough to be prosecuted in the first place, ALL know that DNA stands for “Do Not Attempt” to deny that you had sexual relations with that girl. Instead, far better that you “Do Not Acknowledge” that you heard her say “NO.”
Karma’s a bitch.
For years, women could send an innocent man to jail, just by playing the Rape Card.
They had that power. They abused it. Now it’s gone.
NOW, men can feel free to rape any woman they are alone with, and NOT go to jail.
Think they’ll abuse that power? Nawwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Actually, ladies, GRAY RAPE is really a giant step forward in the civility of the rape racket.
Rape victims will no longer be murdered “just to shut them up”. And rapists will, out of nescessity, become GENTLEmen, lest they endow their prey with bruises and ligature marks, and lend them credibility.
(I predicted all of this long ago…but it’s good to get recognition from a national publication like Cosmo.)
–F
Nick says:
Sat, 22nd Dec 20078:34 pm
I agree with complete with Skyler. I think the word gray is referring to not the act itself but the ability to prove anything. I don't really have a problem with this term being used. It should make women aware of this…don't get too drunk and always go out with a group of people you trust who won't let you get in a bad situation.
I think women need to be smarter. We all know rape is never the victims fault(which is true) but girls(especially college ones) need to use more common sense. Girls should be able to go out and have fun and drink a ton but because there are a lot of guys who are d-bags you just can't. It's like if i walked through what I knew to be a really bad part of town and got mugged…no it's not my fault I got mugged but at the same time I should have used more common sense and not put myself into a dangerous situation. Cosmo is just showing girls that this kind of stuff happens all the time and generally in a court of law can do nothing about it.
gregory dykes says:
Wed, 20th Aug 20082:34 pm
i want to meet you and have sex
Johnny says:
Tue, 6th Jan 20093:00 am
Betty, shut the fuck up! The guy who had the misfortune to fuck your sorry ass didn't even beat you up, so how can you be a "rape survivor"?
My favorite part of your story is: "and whether or not I said yes, once he approached me, I was not in a state of mind to make any decisions that night"
Oh, excuse me! I thought the guy was your drinking partner not your babysitter. If you don't want to get wasted and have sex, then don't. Just shut the fuck up already.
spy25 says:
Fri, 24th Jul 20091:58 am
Jhonny you are a…..KUNT!!!!!!!!!!!
Doug says:
Mon, 4th Jan 20108:29 am
beth–
No what you describe wasn't rape, or certainly many versions of what might have happened within what you said were not. If he had sex with you when you were actually passed out after you'd said no up until then, then yes it would be. But otherwise no. You might well have given indications of enjoying his sexual advances. If you want to claim rape you should make it crystal clear it's VERY unwanted sex. Don't get so drunk alone with a man you don't want sex with but who does want it with you.
And certainly you don't begin to present evidence of anything beyond a reasonable doubt. Not remotely close. Thank god those cops were sane. IN many jurisdictions they aren't.
And yes you were at fault for how drunk you got.
You think you should be able to send that probably also quite inebrated man to jail for years and years, his life ruined, for something you didn't make crystal clear you still didn't want?
Where's your fairness beth? Where?
Eirwen says:
Tue, 5th Jan 20101:09 am
Oh my god Beth, look. Don't go to a forum where men routinely comment, men hate women. The vast majority of them are imbeciles.
What you described IS rape, and unfortunately, men don't give a good god damn about it. The sad reality is that men are dangerous animals, and you need to get yourself a can of mace.
No I'm not a lesbian, moronic future commenters, just a realist. Until men start using their brains, they can't be trusted. Don't be alone with them, don't drink alone with them, and don't trust them until you've known them a long time. Take a self defense course, buy some mace, Hell, I even got a concealed weapons permit.
Just be safe. All people have the potential to do bad things, but men especially. They seem to enjoy being brutal and sadistic.
Doug says:
Tue, 5th Jan 201012:11 pm
Eirwen–
"The sad reality is that men are dangerous animals, and you need to get yourself a can of mace."
It's always a hoot when extreme feminists spout unarguably extreme misandry or man hatred such as that, and then claim that "men hate women". No, feminists hate men. Or any but the most feminist lickspittle mangina men, and maybe their own boyfriend if they have one. But men in general, yes extreme feminists have been on a man hating and shaming campaign for decades, which they long since gotten reflected in somewhat watered down but pervasive form in American sitcoms and other mass media entertainment.
Alex says:
Fri, 2nd Apr 20109:18 am
Beth, please don't listen to any of these fucking assholes who are telling you that you're to blame. How ridiculous. What happened to you was clearly rape, and falsely is quite obviously a sexist idiot.
Doug, you know what I think is a hoot? When a woman is told by multiple men that she wasn't raped when she clearly, which causes some women to defend her and say some stupid things, and then all of a sudden "feminists hate men." Hilarious how that happens! No. Feminists DO NOT hate men.
Rape is rape, there is no gray area, and calling out rape for what it is does not make us "feminazis." You find one true feminist who hates men for being men as opposed to hating certain individuals for what they do. Just one.
Gavin_JTC says:
Wed, 30th Jun 201011:50 am
So tired of the rape hysteria and the crappy rhetorical arguments.
If you get so drunk that you are no longer in control of what's happening then maybe instead of crying "waa rape, we need new laws" – maybe, just maybe, you need to grow up and be a little more responsible.
OH NO I BLAMED THE VICTIM! Women should be allowed to do anything they want, and if something bad happens, well, there should be a man to blame, right?
C.R. says:
Tue, 26th Jul 20114:31 pm
I know this post comes a little but late but I don't believe that the term "gray rape" refers to only women who pass out drunk. I was at a friends house after school one day, we were kissing and I specifically said that I did not want to have sex but didn't mind making out. He was stronger than me and we ended up having sex despite my saying I did not want to. At the time it was happening I was so confused and lost that I went into shock and couldn't tell him to stop despite my best efforts. I still feel as though I was raped because I told him I did not want to have sex but as it was happening I did not tell him to stop despite my wanting him to stop.
THIS is what gray rape is, it was rape but at the same time I did nothing to stop him. I do blame him for taking it further than I said he could but I also blame myself for not being emotionally strong enough to tell him to stop.
It doesn't always have to do with girls being drunk and not knowing what they did.