College Candy

I seriously feel bad for Rumer Willis.

First, her parents go and give her a stupid name like Rumer. It’s not spelled right to be the noun (or transitive verb), so her name is basically a made-up word that sounds like the thing your worst enemy spreads about you in high school.

Second, her mom goes and marries a guy only a few years older than her. So now she’s got a perpetual kid in a trucker hat as a dad, and probably has to fight off urges to A) sleep with him herself or B) picture him naked with her mom.

Thirdly, her real dad has been known to rub up against every hot young thing in Hollywood.

Gross.

And as if all that wasn’t enough, she’s got some of the worst genes I’ve seen in a while.

It’s totally not her fault, but I mean, who knew that Bruce Willis and Demi Moore would combine to create someone…so round? I’ve truly never seen a face so oval in my life, and her newest choice of hair color isn’t helping things.

PerezHilton can’t stand her, and always calls her out on whatever she tries to do to divert attention away from her radically round head.

If I were her, I’d be crying every night from some of the things he writes.

While I consider myself to be above insulting someone’s genetic make-up, I’m not above saying that if I were Rumer Willis, I’d be pretty damn pissed at my parents.

For everything. Ever.

…Especially my tiny eyes.