|

An Open Letter to Miss Britney Spears

Dear Britney,

I hope this letter finds you well. Or at least wearing a pair of underwear. I am writing to you today on behalf of all of us 20-something women who spent our high school and college years dancing/working out to your music and thinking of your ridiculous abs as we lay on the gym floor willing ourselves to do one last crunch.

We are worried about you, Britney.

It was only a few years ago that you sat atop the world in a one piece leather jumpsuit. Then along came Kevin. You fell in love, you got married and decided to bow out of the spotlight for a bit. That’s fine. I could have used a few new songs on my workout playlist, but everyone is entitled to a little “me” time. But, somehow, “Britney” time turned into “Trailer Park” time and we saw what can now be considered the furthest fall for a celeb since Michael Jackson started touching little boys.

What happened behind the closed doors at camp Spears? How did you go from the hottest thing on the planet to this?

Britney, while you totally screwed the pooch at the VMA’s (a bra and panty set? Really?!) and, while we’re at it, at raising children, it really isn’t that hard for you to make a comeback. Maybe not as a mega pop star, but at least as someone not totally crazy/white trash and who has a shred of dignity. And who can keep her eyelashes in the correct place while doing a giant interview on NBC.

Here are a few tips:

1. Accept Your Body….for what it is. Not what it once was. We all want to look like this, but some of us look like you…I mean, this. Cover up, honey. It is much sexier.

2. Lay Off The Booze: Partying with Paris is fun, but it is not for moms. You don’t see Gwen Stefani out getting wasted and hugging toilet bowls, do you? No. You also don’t see people talking shit about her all over the media. See the connection? No? Maybe we should talk about this one on one.

3. Wear Underwear: Not sure when this went out of fashion, but I swear I have seen your va jay jay more often (and up close) than I my own lately. Everyone knows you have one; you don’t need to show it off.

4. Step Away from the Calf Boots: I don’t know where this obsession came from, but boots that cut you off at the fattest part of your legs is not flattering. Especially when paired with a see through top that barely covers your ass.

5. Stop Performing: Just take some time to be a mom. I am not saying you can’t ever perform again, I am merely saying that until you remember what parts of the song you are supposed to lip sync to, you should probably just take a little break. Take some time to be a mom. Get back in shape. Figure out what your children’s names are. Anything! Just, please, stay away from the bedazzled bra and panty combo.

It really isn’t that hard, Brit. And the possibilities are endless. You could have another top record, you could earn the respect of millions, and – hopefully – you can make people stop talking about how great K-Fed is in all of this. (Seriously, how low have you sunk when a man that makes zero dollars and created Po Po Zao is seen as the better parent?) Just work with us, woman! Bring us back to the Britney glory days. And make this bitch stop crying.

Sincerely,

Lauren

When my mom moved me into my dorm freshman year she left me $65 to buy a humidifier. I took that money and bought a pair of heels because I can sleep without damp air blowing in my face, but I can't rock a humidifier with a hot black mini.