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Virgin Cream = Virgin Scheme?

Virgin Cream

I’m down for poonany preservation, but this is something else.

Virgin Cream, a $60 cream that acts as a vajajay time-machine of sorts that (supposedly) tightens up a woman’s womanhood back to its more “youthful” days. The website boasts claims such as this:

If You Would Like To:

Be a woman that nearly all men… just can’t resist, this is going to be the most important message you will ever read.

Here Is Why:

Let’s face it… almost any woman can get a man to have sex with her. You don’t have to be pretty. You don’t have to be sexy. You don’t have to have a great body. Basically, you just have to be a woman who will say “yes” and thousands of men will have sex with you…

Once!

But, what if you want that same man to call you for another date? Well, that might NOT be so easy. But, what if there was a way to make sure… almost every man… wanted to go out with you again? Better yet, what if there was a way to make having sex with you… so fantastic… the man you are interested in… couldn’t even think about another woman? What if there was a way to make having sex with you… so good… a man would do anythingeven marry you… to keep you in his bed?

Whoa! Talk about demoralizing! I love it.

According to the experts over at Virgin Cream Inc., a woman’s status is judged solely on her ability to please her man, as it has been for the past 2,000 years. Adding insult to insult is the statement below, on the subject of women who have used this ancient cooter cream:

And these women became the most powerful on earth. They married the richest and the most powerful men. If their husband was a king, it was the woman who controlled the king. You see, a woman who is old enough to know how to give a man extremely good sex plus has a tight, moist, young-looking vagina, has an enormous advantage over every other woman.

It doesn’t matter how beautiful the other woman is. It doesn’t matter how sexy her body is. It doesn’t matter if she has big or small breasts. It doesn’t matter how interesting she is or if she has a high I.Q. The truth is, a woman with a young, tight, “velvet glove” vagina will get the man every time.

Hahahaha! Yes! These statements are so outlandish that I’m positive some dude is behind this. No woman on Planet Earth has ever muttered the phrase “velvet glove.”

Still, I’m wondering if this product really does work. Outside of moms in their mid-40s giving testimonials about their neo-retro vaginas, I’ve never heard of anybody using this stuff.

Is it like cement? Do girls have to spackle it on? Do the men feel a bit awkward performing after a bunch of unknown magic gloop has been slathered all over their lady’s no-no place?

So many questions…

Candy -- NYUCOLLEGECANDY Writer