Vending Machines Get Healthy…and Gross

I know eating out of vending machines isn’t healthy.

My mom always told me anything that doesn’t go bad after three weeks is made out of stuff you shouldn’t put in your body anyway.

For the most part, I listened to her. But every once in a while…slipping a few coins in a tiny slot and watching that King-Sized Snickers plummet towards your waiting hands is truly the only thing that can get you through a day.

And then of course, the diet industry went and ruined everything.

Kraft Foods, the makers of that oh-so-natural bright orange cheese, have begun to test out vending machines that are stocked with only South Beach Diet approved options. Yes. South Beach Diet.

As in…lame alternatives for bread, sugar, and whole grains.

According to reports, some of the options included in the new machines are, “planters nuts, Breakstone’s low-fat cottage cheese, Crystal Light drinks, Jell-O sugar-free gelatin snacks, Nabisco Wheat Thins and the new South Beach Diet lunch wraps.”

Low fat cottage cheese? Wheat Thins? Why not just eat some paper and chase it down with stale rainwater?

And what’s with a “lunch wrap” sitting inside a box for weeks on end? How is that healthy? Or even remotely natural?

I guess the ingredients, which include words like “aspartame” (the sugar substitute that is proven to cause cancer), “alpha amylase” (??), and “sodium metabisulfite” (?!?), say it all:

If you’re gonna stuff your body with chemicals, at least make sure those chemicals are tasty.

Now give me back my Twinkies!