Peter Jackson Tells Ryan Gosling He’s Too Fat, I Get Pissed

Ryan Gosling, my future husband, walked away from a major film project this week, citing simply “creative differences”. The Peter Jackson helmed “ The Lovely Bones” will begin shooting today with Mark Wahlberg replacing Gosling.

“Lovely Bones” is based off of the popular book of the same name by Alice Sebold, centering on a murdered 14-year-old girl watching the way her death has affected everyone close to her. Gosling was slated to play her father, and decided to gain some weight to help him seem age appropriate.

According to the Los Angeles Times, when Gosling walked onset, bearded and heavier than usual, Peter Jackson became slightly bent out of shape. The director was “still expecting some movie star allure” from Gosling, “not paunch and a beard”.

First of all, if it’s Ryan Gosling, it doesn’t matter if he’s got antennas and three arms—he’ll still give an amazing performance and be alluring while doing it. Besides, when did a beard and a little paunch hurt anyone? Has anyone seen Vince Vaughn lately? How about Benicio Del Toro? Tom Hanks?

Anyway, even with a few extra pounds, he still looks good to me.

As far as I’m concerned, Ryan Gosling can do no wrong. Especially now that he’s single again. If he wants to run around Los Angeles (or, God willing, New York City) naked while screaming about how aliens are about to land and capture us all, he could do that, and I’d still love him.

So Ryan, baby, why don’t you give me a call? Peter Jackson may not like paunch…but I’ve never had a problem with it.

You can star in my movie any day.