Farting in a Relationship; When is it OK?

The other night, as I slept soundly in my bed dreaming about my new MJ aviators, my phone started to ring. It was really late so I figured it was probably another drunk dial from one of my friends. But after picking up and hearing my friend screaming, I realized that she was either a) totally wasted and annoying or b) really having a crisis.

It was B.

It took quite some time to calm Maggie down enough to even understand her screams. All I understood was, “How could he do that to me!?” I feared the worst and made mental plans for how I would kill her boyfriend for whatever horrible thing he did to make her this upset.

And then I heard what she was saying:

“HE FARTED! He farted in front of me!”

Maggie went on to explain that upon letting the gassy offender go, Steve looked at the horror written all over her face and said, “What? I thought we were at that point.”

Then she broke down into tears.

And I have to say, I can’t blame her. First of all, Maggie is a WASP to the core. WASPs wear pearls and pink Polo’s. WASPs do not enjoy listening to their mates fart. But even more, what is this “point” that Steve speaks of? Why does he suddenly think it is OK to let loose and cut el queso in front of his lady?

It could be that he looks at her like a sister/guy friend and feels comfortable. Or it could be that he really cares about her and realizes that she is going to be around for awhile so there is no point in making excuses and running out of the room every time his lunch comes back to haunt him. It might also be that he had too many eggs for breakfast, had a little gassy accident and didn’t know what else to say.

Being “that girl” – you know, the one the guys always find it ok to fart in front of – I decided to ask some of my boys about their farting standards. And I found quite a varied response.

Some guys say they will fart in front of anyone; that it is natural, and they don’t care who is around when they have an impending gas explosion.

Me: But what if it is a girl you are trying to get with?

Anonymous Boy: I might think about it but I’ll still do it. You can’t control it.

Others, however, will only do it in front of people they feel completely comfortable with: girlfriends, their “boys”, or those few “lucky” gals (like me) they hang out with. Farting, then, is an honor given only to those worthy of being in the company of such a toxic emission. Apparently, then, I should feel honored to be given the opportunity to hear/smell/experience my friends’ farts.

And there are still others who do everything in their power to hold in the gas, no matter what the consequences are: stomach aches, cheek clenching, constant running to another room.

All boys, however, agreed that they didn’t want to hear their girls fart no matter what. In fact, many tried to fight the idea that women even know how to fart in the first place. Don’t worry; I showed them that we did.