My Freshman Year: Day 102

Days as a Freshman: 102

Mood: Stunned

“So, your Thanksgiving break was okay?” I did my best to keep in step with Rebecca, trying to match her quick, clipped pace. We had driven off campus for a little early holiday shopping, hitting the mall in the afternoon in hopes of short lines and empty stores.

“It was fine.” Rebecca kept walking like she was in some kind of Olympic trial, looking straight ahead, focused on the large department store in front of us. “I want to look in here. For my brother. He needs some shirts.”

I was aware the Rebecca’s brother was in Iraq, and aware that it had been a strained Thanksgiving without him, but beside a few single-syllable answers about the whole event, Rebecca had been uncharacteristically tight lipped about her break.

“Is he doing okay? Your brother…?” We stepped into the harsh florescent of the department store and kept speed walking towards the men’s section.

“He was the last time I talked to him. Which was for five minutes before my dad grabbed the phone and my mom started crying.” Her long hair hid her expression, but the tone of her voice said it all; Rebecca and her family had issues.

“Should we get Stacey something?” Some sparkly tinsel wrapped around a fake Christmas tree reminded me of our third roommate. “I mean, just to be nice and everything?”

“What could we possibly get her that she’d like?” Finally stopping next to a bunch of nicely folded sport shirts, Rebecca began to go through them one by one, stretching out the material.

“I don’t know…a gift certificate to Starbucks? She practically owns the store right next to campus.” Rebecca hadn’t looked at me once since we entered the mall, and I was beginning to feel like this trip may have been better undertaken alone. I hadn’t ever seen her so tense, so short. She was talking to me the way she did before we knew each other; curt, soft, slightly wary.

“These shirts are sh*t.” Throwing one down harshly, Rebecca kicked the display in anger. “Doesn’t anybody sell shirts that won’t break apart in a day?”

A saleswoman by a register turned around and looked at us. Grabbing Rebecca’s arm, I smiled at the saleswoman to let her know we were leaving.

“Rebecca, are you okay?” Steering her towards a neutral section of kitchenware, I made sure we were surrounded by mountains of pots and pans and crystal glass sets. “You seem really—”

“Can you keep a secret?” Staring at me suddenly, Rebecca grabbed both my hands in hers. “Can you promise to not tell anyone?”

“Tell anyone what?” I looked around, seeing no one but a hurried looking woman staring at dishtowels a few yards away. “Your hands are freezing!”

Rebecca pulled away. “They get like that when I’m nervous. Or about to throw up.” She must have seen my reaction because she continued, “this isn’t a throw up thing, though. Don’t worry.”

Moving closer to the towering pile of non-stick pans, Rebecca pushed a few strands of hair behind her ears and licked her lips. “Promise you won’t tell!”

“Okay!” I held up my hands, wondering what kind of giant secret was about to hit. After these last few months, I wouldn’t be surprised about much.

“You know Sammy…the girl who…?”

Her voice trailed off and I nodded, trying to keep my mouth or gaze from giving anything away.

“She’s back in school…I’m the only one that knows because I’ve been talking to her over email…” Rebecca’s eyes darted back and forth across my face, looking for a reaction. “And I think we’re sort of…dating.”

My mouth twitched.

“I had her email because we were lab partners really early on, before anything ever happened…and then I just sent her a condolence email after…and we’ve been talking ever since.”

The woman with the dishtowels walked by. I waited until she had completely disappeared before attempting to speak.

“You’re dating?” I hadn’t meant to start with that. “I mean…have you seen her since she’s come back to campus?”

“No. I was going to do that tonight.”

Somewhere in the back of my spinning head, I could feel total disbelief that everything in my life seemed to be destined to revolve around this scandal. “Is that why you’ve been acting so weird?”

“Well, wouldn’t you be?”

“Sammy’s…gay?” But then why had she been with Sasha at the party that night?

“I don’t know if she’s gay or just bisexual.” Rebecca shifted her weight uncomfortably. “I was gonna ask that tonight. Can you come with me?”

“What? Why?”

Another saleswoman walked past us, looking up at the surprise in my voice.

“Because I’m too nervous to do this on my own. I think we’d both feel better if…someone else was there.”

Rebecca’s brown eyes stared into mine, pleading with me to help. Her past curtness had completely died, replaced with a kind of jumpy, electric energy. I really wanted to say no to her. I really wanted to back away and pretend I had never heard a word of this. I really wanted to live a simple, freshman year that had nothing to do with a giant, hazy school wide scandal that I only knew through rumors.

“Grace?”

I nodded. “Okay. If you really want me to.”

Her smile didn’t help the sinking feeling in my stomach. Obviously, I couldn’t out-run this. Going headfirst was the only way I would get through.

Grabbing my hand, Rebecca started to walk us out toward the mall entrance. “Thank you. Seriously. This means a lot.”

It does mean a lot, I thought. It means I’m about to be part of the storm.