Gym Goers, Here’s Some Fart Etiquette

It’s that time of year again.

You know, the time when we realize that our New Year’s resolution to lose the pounds is on its way. Motivation? Yes sir! Motivation with a capital M.

So to get into tip-top-Fergalicious shape, I decided to hit the gym as much as possible. I’m singing along with Gwen and then… WHAM. Someone had the audacity to let one rip while I was hard at work on the elliptical.

Let’s discuss. I understand once in a while it just slips out. We’ve all had those moments. But this mystery offender just kept letting them rip! I felt as if I was in a war zone and the missiles just kept coming, I wanted to run for shelter but I didn’t know where to turn.

I was in a predicament. Do I keep working out while holding my breath and hope I don’t pass out (either from the inhalation of the stink bomb or from holding my breath) or do I quit and save my nostrils? Plus do I really feel like making that awkward face every 5 minutes- you know the one — your nose is scrunched in a ball and the “ewww who farted?” look written all over your face just so the people next to you won’t think it was YOU?

Way too much effort for a workout.

So here it is. Workout Fart Etiquette. Learn it and live by it. I beg of you:

1. If the cardio area is even remotely crowded: DO NOT FART. Your fart travels down the row like dominos, torturing each person along the way.

2. If there is a fan anywhere near you, squeeze those butt cheeks together (an added workout for your booty). Whatever you do: DO NOT FART. The fan blows the smell on all sides of you and keeps it circulating for even longer.

3. If one slips on accident, make the face (see above) so people won’t know it was you.

4. If you know more are on the way…STOP YOUR WORKOUT. I don’t care how much pizza you ate last night. I have a bathing suit to look good in and your stench is cutting my workouts short.

5. Gas X = your BFF. Pop one of these bad boys before heading to the gym….

So there you have it. If you’ve got gas, stay at home or run outside. I am certain that is what God created the outside for: gassy runners. The air just carries it away. So please gas passers, take your workout to the pavement so I can workout with AC and Gwen Stefani in peace.