College Candy

Ah, the conundrum that is holiday office parties. More often than not, the liquor is plentiful and free, everyone’s in a good mood, and the hors d’oevres spread out all around you is some of the best food you’ve eaten in months.

Free liquor and all-you-can-eat miniature crab cakes?! What’s not to go crazy about?

But aye, there’s the rub. Getting liquored up and stuffing your face with scallops wrapped in bacon in front of your boss? Not the best idea. Screaming and running to the dance floor when the generic DJ starts up “Living on a Prayer” isn’t going to win you any mature points. Oh, and hitting on people you’re undoubtedly going to see the next morning bright and early?

Mistake.

So how is a person supposed to enjoy themselves but stay out of trouble this holiday office party season? Simple. Just follow a few straightforward rules.

#5) Eat something before you get to the party. Sure, there’s bound to be awesome food once you get there (even if your boss is cheap, there’ll be something. And hey, free food is good food), but going on an empty stomach spells trouble. You’ll get tipsy much faster, thus lowering your inhibitions much faster (jumping up onto the table and screaming how much you love your job? Whoops), increasing your chances of being “that girl from the first floor who ate all those pigs in a blanket and then threw up in the hallway”. Grab a granola bar or apple or even dinner before you go. Honestly, you’ll thank me later.

#4) Do not wear your usual partying clothes. A typical Friday night outfit is not the same as Monday morning work wear, and since you’re going to be surrounded by people who have only seen you in the Monday morning ensemble, whipping out the low-cut shirts and short skirts might make more of an impression than you want. Holiday office parties really aren’t the place to impress people with your awesome bod…especially if you’re trying to impress them with your awesome mind during the day.

#3) If a superior or co-worker seems like they might be hitting on you, RUN AWAY. Do not let a potentially drunk person put you or themselves in a compromising position. Everyone will regret it the next workday, and if someone higher on the food chain realizes they overstepped their bounds after one too many gin and tonics, you might be the one who feels the heat.

#2) Keep the sexy dancing (especially with that hot temp) to a minimal. Maybe don’t even do it at all. Gettin’ low in front of your co-workers gives people way too much access to your business…if you know what I mean.

#1) Do not, under any circumstances, get drunk. I know, I know, the free booze is tempting, but melting into sloppy disarray in front of people you work for is a surefire way to get overlooked come raise time. Besides, you know how people still talk about that guy at last year’s party who ran around with shrimp in his mouth? Poor bastard’s never been able to live it down.