College Candy

Every year, some of us are guilty of giving sh*tty presents. Maybe we forget a relative until the last second, maybe we really don’t like someone but feel obligated to buy something, or maybe we’re just selfish bastards who don’t like to spend money, but whatever the case, every year during this time, truly crappy gifts are wrapped and set under the tree or beside the menorah.

And then there are those of us who receive those crap gifts. Opening a package and instantly realizing A) this person doesn’t know us at all or B) this is the stupidest thing someone has ever wasted tape on is always a hard emotion to conceal, but because our mothers taught us to be polite, we do our best. We smile through the pain and secretly hope the receipt is still in the box.

Not quite sure if what you’re about to seal with a bow is a crap gift? Let CollegeCandy give you a few hints.

• Scented Candles: You’re not in junior high anymore, so this gift is no longer acceptable. Confused 12-year-old boys give the girls they think might be their girlfriends scented candles because they’re cheap and noncommittal. If you’re an adult, presenting someone with scented candles is the perfect way to start letting them know you don’t care.

• Clothes That Are Way Too Big: Look, when in doubt, buy a size smaller. No one likes opening a gift box and pulling out a sweater that looks like it could house a moose. Holding up a giant article of clothing not only makes us immediately feel fat, but decide everyone else thinks we’re fat too. Total. Depression.

• Giving the Woman in Your Life Appliances: If your mom loves to cook and asks for that new high-powered mixer, or your girlfriend really desires a fancy vacuum, then by all means, fulfill their wishes. But buying these things because you want more cookies and cleaner floors? Douchebaggery.

• Gift Cards to a Crappy Store: Gift cards can be fun, but running out to your nearest CVS or no name clothing store is totally insulting. First, it shows you didn’t think about the person till the last minute, and second, it illustrates unadulterated cheapness. What am I going to do with $25 worth of crap? NOTHING.

• Socks: Even if we desperately need them (because the Laundromat continues to return our laundry with all the left ones inexplicably missing), no one likes to pull out a bunch of socks when they were really hoping for something awesome. Opening up a package of socks on a Christmas or Hanukkah morning is like opening up the front door to greet a blind date and finding out they have a weird, squinty eye. Total fun fake-out.

• Self-Help Books: What, are you saying I have some kind of PROBLEM?!

Have any crap gift experiences of your own? CC wants to hear ‘em!