How Your Apartment Proves You’re Single and Unlaid

December 31, 2007 - 2:30 pm By Jess - NYU

It’s usually pretty easy to tell if a guy is single from his apartment. You’ve got the typical underwear out in the open, ring around the bathtub, week old stubble discard in the sink, that odd “shoe and old clothes smell”…I could go on, but it only gets grosser from here.

Most of us are well versed in the signs of The Bachelor Pad, but did you know you can tell if a girl is single and unlaid by her Bachelorette Pad?

Here are some of the signs (which I may or may not totally recognize):

• Piles of magazines everywhere, comprised of tons of pretentious ones that are clearly untouched and then severely thumbed-through Vogues and Luckys

• Slovenly heaps of little-used makeups in the bathroom

• Nair

• inspirational or thinspirational things on the fridge

And my personal favorite,

• Overflowing shoe rack and nothing in the fridge

Do you have your own Bachelorette Pad dead giveaways? How about underwear and bras hanging from the shower curtain? A vibrator within arm’s reach? Half-eaten ice cream cartons that are crumpled and melty because someone’s eaten them without the aid of a bowl?

Come on, girls, give us those dirty apartment secrets!

Janers says:
Wed, 2nd Jan 20081:56 pm

how about chocolate wrappers, tons of dvd rental sleeves or your boxed set of SATC out, dog clothes, and a sweatshirt and fleece pj bottom filled hamper,

collegegirl says:
Mon, 28th Jan 200811:58 pm

single (surprisingly not unlaid)!

-clothes for my cat (yes i know)

-south beach diet type food in fridge (but not enough for 2)

-tv left on vh1 from the last time i vegged out to celebrity rehab!

by not unlaid i mean getting laid

Tracy Jai says:
Thu, 31st Jan 200811:56 am

Tampon wrappers not even hidden in the trash – just tossed on-top…real turn-on for the boys!

Rick says:
Sat, 9th Feb 200812:22 am

Christ, are all girls this vapid?

No wonder a decent girl is so hard to find…

If you were 40 and living in any of the ways described above, wouldn’t you want to kill yourself? If so, why live like that when you’re not yet 40? You create a pattern of behavior when you’re young and before you know it, you’re single, still reading fashion magazines (fashion magazines! THE most insipid and worthless genre of print ever invented) with an ass the size and approximate shape of a COUCH, eating whole pints of ice cream and telling yourself, “…just one more spoon…”

Lily says:
Mon, 11th Feb 20088:47 pm

Rick honey, it’s not that there aren’t any decent girls around. Besides, any of the habits mentioned by the ladies above are no worse (if not better) than what you do when you’re alone in your bedroom. It’s okay for you to have no social life or even an actual relationship. It’s not okay to type up some pathetic jab at woman on a website you unintentionally stumbled upon while searching for some free lesbian porn.

Who knows, maybe you’re right? If you’re 40 and you’re living in the ways mentioned above you probably would be a bit suicidal. But let’s be honest here, there’s a reason why people are writing your suicide notes FOR you. “…just one more pill…”

Do us all a favor, will you baby?

Heather says:
Thu, 14th Feb 20087:42 pm

Owned.

Pearl says:
Mon, 29th Dec 200812:49 am

Lily, you are my hero. I’d probably marry you if I was interested in women and it was legal.

As for my apartment? The disaster area is under the bed (a convenient place to shove mess when I’m feeling lazy) and the computer area. The fridge is filled with coffee grounds and celery, I have an entire rack of mugs for tea, and my trash can is filled with receipts from Starbucks. Ha! Caffeine addicted college girls… You just gotta love us.

But mostly I tend to keep a clean space, exceptions being around finals and weekends.

And Rick, as for fashion magazines being pointless, I’d like to pay homage to the saying, “One man’s junk is another’s treasure.” Such is the case to those of us trying for a BFA in fashion design. If you’d like to put together a thirty-page long trend forecasting booklet without referencing said magazines for current and past trends, be my guest. I’m not that suicidal.