“Back on the Horse(s)” Rock of Love 2: Episode 1

Welcome the first of many recap parties for VH1′s Rock of Love 2. I’d like to thank you for reading this because it means that on some level, you share a love (whether open or closeted) for craptacular television.

By CC Staff

But let’s get started, shall we?

Episode one is almost aptly named ‘Back on the Horse.’ Certain gossip blogs were kind of enough to post pictures of the contestants before the show’s premiere. Neigh. Is that the sound that horses make? It’s been a long time since pre-school.

I must admit that I was pulling for Brett in the first season. Despite the fact that Poison sucked and that he at times looks like a transvestite when he removes the bandana, I thought among the strippers in the house he’d find one with a heart of gold. Well, he did, but I digress…

In the beginning of the episode, Brett pulls up to the mansion and his hair looks like it was made in the Mattel factory. The girls don’t notice how unnaturally long or synthetic it is and cheer upon his arrival.

First girl I notice: Daisy. Her face reminds me of a blow up doll with those crazy injected ‘O’ lips. Brett gets down to business and singles out four of the twenty girls; the remaining 16 enter the house and immediately start drinking. You know it’s not even 11 a.m. up in that biznatch.

The four girls who were selected were seemingly up for dismissal, but it is a new season, my friends, and it turns out that they are VIP girls, with their own special VIP room and VIP gifts and VIP time later on with Brett on a make-out couch. Don’t even ask me about the other three VIP chicks because Daisy’s busted face is the ultimate diversion. The only thing that pulls my attention away from that mess of face is her announcement that she and the other three are ‘very important p****.’ If that’s not class personified…

Brett photographs the girls a la season one. It’s pretty standard until the French Angelique is up. Trantastique!, I say. Upon seeing the pool Angelique states, “I am going to have sex wis Brett in zis pool.”

My favorite girl is Kristy Joe because she has a “germ issue” and wiped Brett’s mouth before giving him a small kiss and I high five her in my head. She’s beautiful, so Brett overlooks her very rational fear. But really, KJ, WTF are you doing on Rock of Love if you’re germ phobic? Didn’t you watch the first season? Or see Brett’s Pam Anderson sex tape?

(I wish that Nick Lachey had done one of these shows after he and Jessica split up. It could have been called “98 Degrees of My Heart” or something like that and I so would have tried to be on that because he’s hot and I bet you $5 that you don’t need to bathe him in Clorox before you kiss him.)

VIP time and Megan is first. She’s a model. I’ll be sure to look for her on 3wisheslingerie.com after this. Destiney made a random bandana for Brett, which I’m sure he’ll never wear. You know that he couldn’t put it on in front of her because that would be exposing weave tracks.

Erin, my favorite VIP girl, is the last one to get her time. Erin is a super adorable rocker looking chick who could potentially be the Jes of this season. And then she talks. I don’t understand how Brett could be so bored listening to someone wax philosophical about how myspace taught her about the world.

After VIP time, it’s a free for all. Girls are kissing Brett; I think that some are kissing each other and I want to hose them down with penicillin. Out of the skank pit emerges Catherine, a 45 year old mother of two, who is so sweet that the people at VH1 who edited this episode dropped in some nice guitar music in the background while she speaks.

Finally, elimination time arrives– five are going home. Brett comes out wearing a ton of bronzer and laments that eliminations are so hard and blah blah.

After choosing 14 girls, only one pass remains. It looks like it’s between Erin and Jackeye (hurry up, Brett, I’ve got a paper that I’m neglecting).

Unfortunately, Erin and rock star hair must leave. I’m sure she’lll find solace and even more education in myspace.

My super early prediction is that germphobe Kristy Joe and Daisy the Blowfish will be the final two. Until the next episode, when the girls are challenged to do a peep show and my eyes get gonorrhea.