“Peep Show” of Horrors, Rock of Love 2: Episode 2

Last time: boobs, Trantastique and germy make outs.

By CC Staff

Onward…

The morning of episode 2 begins with Peyton the whiskey voiced informing whiskey hangover Courtney that she’s out. A girl named Sara makes known that her family has no idea where she is and that she’s on the show because of a dare. Since Aubry fang face is already labeled as the big mouth, she runs to tell Bret, who keeps that information in his jeans pocket.

Trantastique reads the challenge and despite the subtitles, I have no idea what she said.

Niki with the two-tone hair translates it and thinks that they’re going to be in a talent show. Turns out, the girls have to perform in a peep show booth for 30 seconds. If he likes when he sees, Bret will pop in a token for 15 extra seconds.

Wow. Nice to bring that 8th Avenue/New York City 25 cent peep show class to L.A.

So, yeah, three winners get a date with Bret. Trantastique decides to make a chocolate mousse and cake and I’m scared that it’s somehow going to end up on her body to help demonstrate her talent.

I assumed that I’d see a lot of tatas since the talent in this group is far from stellar. The peep show begins, and the rest of the girls watch from another room as Destiney does Kung Fu and a few read some hysterically elementary poetry that they wrote. Ice Princess Kristy Joe rocks it, ironing clothes all dressed like a tramp and then ripping off her shirt–which, for some reason, isn’t even trampy when she does it. Megan does ditzy thong magic. Inna disappoints with her cherry stem tying; like you haven’t been able to do that since you were six. I fully expected her to do some contortionist sh*t because she seems like a freak.

More non-talent talent: Daisy the Blowfish sings in what looks like a pink shiny lycra suit with cutouts. Whiskey voiced Peyton totally rocks me – she plays guitar and sings and I suddenly find her to be the most attractive of the bunch; and I think that Bret concurs.

Last up is Trantastique, who takes off her clothes and puts her breasts against the glass. But then it either gets better because I called it or far worse. Because I called it. She rubs her baked goods on her breasts and I think that she eats it off of herself. I’m not sure because I changed the channel momentarily. Did I not tell you that my eyes would get gonorrhea?

The winners are Peyton, Daisy and Ambre, who I found to be boring, wrapping herself as a present, asking Bret if he liked her “little booty.”

After the contest, VIPs and Jessica get their beauty rest while the others stay awake and listen to Bret plays his 1988 hit, “Every Rose Has Its Thorn.” In his annoyance at the VIP girls daring to go to bed, Bret decides that there will be a dance competition in order to give away some VIP time. Who does he think he is, Puff Daddy? He’s going to get a pants off dance off, not real dancing.

Oh, wait, that’s what he wants.

The episode continues with a new day and a new note from Bret explaing that after the date, three will be eliminated that night. During the date, the VIPs decide to make Brett a card, complete with glitter. Make sure you spray the elbow macaroni gold for that extra special touch. Nothing says I’m sorry like glitter and gold splattered elbow macaroni.

The actual date is ATV riding (which kinda looks like a lot of fun). I hope that Daisy the Blowfish falls off and that something on her anatomy bursts, but, alas, she stays on. During their lunch, Bret feels unconnected to Ambre and takes her off for some personal time.

Back at the house: Inna and Trantastique prepare a room for the dance off as the VIPs squeal over their glitter card. They get dressed up and wait in front of the door for him. Inna and Trantastique dress like strippers and also wait for Bret. And then it’s on! Dueling tramps! VIPs move closer to the door and wait. The strippers follow. E ven though it’s two against three, Inna will kick VIP ass. It’s not saying much, but she’s still smarter than them.

Bret puts Inna and Trantastique in charge of judging, which is too bad because I would have loved to see them dance. The three winners will receive VIP passes, allowing them to cut in and steal Bret time away from another girl.

The girls take time to get ready and as they gather, I seriously wonder where they get this tramp gear. Like they seem to actually own and wear this stuff, as opposed to buying it strictly for being on the show. I think that I’m impressed by it.

Each girl has to pick an old school dance from a hat, but who the hell chose these dances? The Shopping Cart? And can anyone actually Moon Walk? So this dance off is uber disappointing, but Roxy’s Funky Chicken, Daisy the Blowfish’s Pony and Destiney’s I-can’t-remember-what-it-was dance win.

Niki camera-laments that she’s going home. Yes, Niki, I think that you are right.

During the commercial break, I wonder how Trantastique came to be; where and how she developed such overinflated self-esteem. Whether or not she’d end up with her own show after she gets kicked off; because I’d watch that and recap it in like a second. (Hint, hint, VH1).

Elimination time! Sara gets called out for being there on a dare and not telling Bret that she was there for him, so she’s sent home. I say that Niki and Korie are going home. Notice how I haven’t mentioned Korie before this? Exactly. Niki says, “If I get sent home, I’m retarded.” Well, if that’s how you want to measure it…

Aaaand…Niki and Korie in fact go home. Niki is shocked that Trantastique is staying but come on – she took off her clothes and licked food off her breasts. Food that she made, no less.

Oh and because of Bret’s love and overuse of the word ‘connection’, I have decided to keep track of how many times he uses it per episode. Disconnect counts, too.

Connection count: 7

Next time: Lacey returns for the Roller Derby and I hope that someone breaks Lacey’s jaw. Also, the skanks turn against Ice Princess Kristy Joe.