Writing College Papers: The Art of Bullshit

I was an English major during undergrad, and people often have the misconception that English majors enjoy writing papers. I enjoyed writing papers about as much as I enjoyed the stench of a pungent dorm lounge the day after a particularly disgusting kegger.

I did manage to ace out on most of those papers, though, and thus I am offering this sage list of do NOTs to others in the world of paper peril:

* Do NOT stay up all night writing a paper.

I know, I know, sometimes it just has to be done. But believe it or not, your brain will have time to energize and recharge and think of better ideas if you write your paper over a period long enough to allow for Sex in the City-watching, meal-munching, and beauty sleep.

* Do NOT write your paper via AIM or your cell’s text-message screen.

Yes, you should absolutely take breaks to spend time with your friends and get away from your paper. But texting away while you are actually writing will only lead your prof to knock a few points off your paper because it contains “OMG HAWT++!” somewhere in the middle.

* Do NOT forget the evidence.

Here it is: the art of bullshit. Profs (aside from those looking for regurgitation of their own oh-so-important words) are looking for intriguing topics that have “proof” to back them up. The great part is that you can twist the evidence however your own twisted mind desires.

And just one last note before you hunker down to write that paper (perhaps the most important note of all): no matter what happens, do NOT forget to keep handy a never-ending, high-quality supply of dark chocolate.