Pets: a Huge Commitment (unless you’re Hugh Hefner’s girlfriend)

While at the airport this week, I observed a woman clutching a scraggly toy-sized dog decked out in a Ralph Lauren polo shirt made for a six-month-old child. Ew. Just because owning an animal is like having a child does not mean that the dog’s fur has stopped acting as its clothing. Now even dogs are subject to the materialism of today’s society.

By K

Maybe it started with Paris Hilton or the talking chihuahua in Taco Bell commercials, but the dog trend never really sunk in on a personal level until I visited my former college roommate…and her new puppy.

It scared the hell out of me. Not the dog himself, he’s a teeny dust-mop-esque guy that legitimately bites your ankles, clothing, and anything else he can get to. What frightened me was the idea of what people are getting themselves into (please see single, childless friends referring to themselves as parents) and the fact that I really am that big a commitment-phobe.

Sure, many of us grew up with pets, but there was no actual “raising” going down on our end. It wasn’t our job to shop for pet carriers or plan out potty schedules, that’s what our parents were for. Now that we’re on our own (ish), so many people who want an animal are just looking to use it as an accessory. Puppies are like a new pair of Chanel shades, right? Only they love you back?

Right. Let’s just touch on one painfully obvious truth: A puppy is not a self-sufficient being. You can’t train one in two weeks. It’s not a great idea to let them hang out in your living room with your drunk friends who want to see what the puppy’s preferred brand of vodka is. It’s a huge life change. It’s like a small kid who can’t speak any language used by humans, and only responds to an angry “NO!” or a saccharin “Good boy! Who’s a good boy?”

This week, Hef’s Girls Next Door showed us exactly how intense the pet obsession has become. Kendra hires a pet psychic to figure out why her dog stares at lights, and Bridget, best known for being “the smart one” of the three blondes, gets her dog a talent agent, as well as a photo shoot.

What a great message to send to viewers everywhere. Pets are dolls for grown-ups! You can play house and dress them up and carry them around in designer bags and pretend they speak…. no really, as in giving them airtime on your radio show. They’re like the best toy ever!

Except they’re alive. And need to eat, sleep, and be taken outside to do their business. And maybe take effort to train? But, like, who cares? Call down to Hef’s second kitchen and ask one of the butlers to get on that so puppy can make our owner-animal nail appointment!

Shudder. And to think I respected that master’s degree Bridget was going for.