Because There Is No Orientation for Life After College

By K

A bachelor’s degree is a funny thing. Depending on your major, it’s either the equivalent of an extremely pricey receipt with a huge FINAL SALE stamp on it, sending you off to continue your studies, or it sends you to work. In either situation, the joys of the undergraduate lifestyle are mourned on almost a daily basis.

No more are the nights of frat parties and pregaming at seven A.M. for football games. The real world isn’t all bad, don’t get me wrong, but before you make that giant leap to becoming a legitimate person, take the time to consider what lies ahead.

1.) The phrase “I need” has likely lost its charm with your parents. Unless it’s food or some sort of medical emergency, they know damn well you’ll spend any extra money to supplement your happy hour four work nights a week. They also know you’re making money, and therefore, shouldn’t spend it if you don’t have it. This is never not depressing. You can only fake having to go to the doctor so many times before they realize you’re on your own insurance, and sadly, cute little dresses no longer qualify as “emergency” spending.

2.) Speaking of insurance, with a new job you typically qualify for life insurance. And who profits from your untimely death? Ironically enough, most likely, your parents. What a horrible juxtaposition of feelings, lamenting that you’re both too old and too young, and knowing that maybe after you’re gone, your parents will finally be able take that cruise around the Greek Isles.

3.) There’s no crying in the office. If you’re not happy with a class, you can drop it. If you’re not happy with your new hometown, you’re stuck until your lease is up and you find a new job. To build a resume will take you over six months with one employer, and actually, a year will give you more street cred…that is, actual credibility. Your happiness is much more in your hands here. Before you move, make sure you have a base of acquaintances or contacts to call on the off chance your coworkers aren’t as fun as you’d hoped.

4.) Holy sh*t. Bills are expensive. See “I need” statement above.

5.) Under no circumstances can you wear sweatpants in the office. Being tired or lazy doesn’t matter, and if you gained a few pounds, too damn bad. T here are no special privileges for being a chubscout.

However, the leggings/tights trend has made it much easier to go to work, be comfortable, and not show off that you’re suffering from one-size-too-small syndrome, but usually only if you’re in media or a relatively laid-back company. Bankers, traders, other suit-donning professionals, I extend my sympathies as I reach for another cookie.

6.) Credit cards…dear God, be careful. That little piece of plastic can make you sadder than you’ve ever known. I’ve seen it. Establishing credit is important, but do you really need to do that at Neiman’s, Bloomie’s, and Saks?

Pick a couple of your favorite retail haunts, then try for a major CC. Again, BE CAREFUL. It’s not free money. Interest is a bitch. Spend only what you know you can pay off. Set up a budget, whatever—just don’t consider this your ticket to a long weekend in South Beach whenever you feel like it.

You will cry once you realize what you’ve spent and that it’s your own fault. Mom and Dad will likely consider killing you and still be mad, because now your life insurance money will only pay off your debt.

While the transition’s not easy, it does get better. Accept the fact that just like getting that degree, it takes time, effort, and every so often, a round of cocktails…or several.

Just be careful with those work nights out!